9:18 p.m. - 2009-01-21
Every Now and then I Kick the Living Shit Outta Me
okay, here goes. mann am i sick. and tired.
of this freaking semester!!!!!!
everything!!!! stupid classes, stupid people, stupid boring life, stupid me.
i hate myself. im stupid. ugly.
my phone is BROKEN. my whole outlet to being social is gone
Even if the guy responsible for that is bff material...my life isnt so great.
i cant do anything right. cant even talk to people and get them to see my side of things.
and see what that did? now im stuck in a TERRIBLE situation.
i never got over the guy.
im gonna end up forcing myself to talk to him one of these days.
i HAVE to. i have to make up.
im SICK of fighting.
i cant really get to any new ones.
im trying, but it isnt working......
and i cant find a reasonable excuse for why i dont wana be with ones i USED to like !?
like, "i dont like him anymore" isnt so believable when you turn down perfectly good guys. man i hate my life. and me.
im such a moron. im an idiot.
and im FAT. a loser.
FUCKKKK.
10:26 p.m. - 2008-12-22
THREE days till XMAS
well, not much has changed. things are still REALLY REALLY BORING. like, seriously.
ive kinda got things i wanted, but none of it really feels like anything.
I'm worried that I'm turning into bella in New Moon....this has to stop somewhere.
i cannot be that. why cant i get on?!
i have to push myself harder.
in september, i thought i'd be over this by now. and technically i am....
but then again, i cant move on. like i was trapped in a bubble and got out. but im stuck right outside the bubble, refusing to move.
trapped.
neways, xmas should be fun.
i'll try not to think about my lost camera.
and everything else i've lost.
try to make life better.
hope it gets that way.
7:50 p.m. - 2008-10-24
by ANY MEANS NECESSARY
been kinda bored lately...
and by bored, i mean lonely, scared, stupid.... nothing's been going anywhere.
and i havent really been wanting it to.
so what's my problem, anyway?
do i really want to be stuck like this...
forever?
i can change. i can do something different.
it's not a matter of saying it though...
it's what i do.
and i have to do ALOTT. its my senior year.
why not? im not making sense. nobody spends senior year ALONEE. and i havent really been that way, i just havent been trusting myself. This IS the end.... almost of my whole school rep. i can't let that end with what i am now. and past relationships? I'll never get over those unless i dont care.
and i dont. i can finally say i dont.
the only thing i care about is MYSELF.
and if they don't like it, screw them.
seriously. im too good for that.
or i will be. i shouldnt get so stressed.
i pick my own friends. i pick my own....
favorites. devoted people. they're only as devoted as i make them.
I need to make up my mind.
this is just a recovery process....
i need to do what i have to do.... and before next semester....next year.
next week, i'd like more though. xDD
im not scared anymore.
8:46 p.m. - 2008-09-17
Pull Up My Sleeve, and see the Pattern of My Cuts
i just read the entry below this one and almost PUKED.
nothing, i repeat, nothing has ever happened in my life that makes me feel worse than today.
NOTHING
is more painful than getting to know that the one you love is gone with another.
and not even thinking about you.
and NOTHING
is worse than the feeling of knowing that this isn't just true for one, it's true for two. THEY don't want you. THEY don't care.
my life was a mistake.
and for once i can say that without feeling dramatic. or sarcastic.
because it's TRUE. and i wish it wasn't.
i'm ready to kill myself, and i have the nerve. i just wish i could be given a solid reason for this despair. for why i deserve this. because i don't think i do.
WHAT did i do wrong?
I'm just following the rules, i didn't do anything wrong, it's not my fault.
and yet...
in the end, it's me who gets hurt.
there is nothing i wish for more now than to just get away from all this forever.
I'm not taking this anymore.
5:31 p.m. - 2008-09-13
False Pretense
So I've definitely reached a new low.
You could say i've come a long way.
You could say I haven't gone anywhere.
I say both...
I never thought that this many guys would ask me out not even in a year, or this period of months...not even three months...
but anyways, number 3 is all my fault.
I had to say yes to someone, right?
RIGHT?!
anyways. J. he was over here last night.
and its so weird that hes like falling for me, and its all my fault.
didnt think it would be like this..
i thought i could like him, like i did two years ago.
but im a different person now... things change..
but something didn't.
i thought i could like J...
but i didnt think...
about the one that i already love.
the one that i always wanted.
the arsehole, the moron, the fag,
and my love..
the hornster.
4:33 p.m. - 2008-08-26
And We're Waiting On That Lucky Number SeVEn
okay... this is kinda weird.
uhm, i think i might be able to say that im no longer depressed. or AS depressed as i was. I went to get my schedule today. I have friggin hard classes, and it looks like I'm still going to deep creek.
I TRIED not to cry.
Anyways, not even an hour ago, HE txted me out of the blue. the moron.
Like he didnt delete my number again.
Arsehole.
But anyways, I have NO minutes, so if he tries to text me again i won't see it, and i am in no way ready to text him.
I hate when people start talking to me again out of the blue.
and im NOT gonna talk to him.
but now im in the position where i wana be again. where people want me and i am not there.
ahhhhh.... love it
have no idea whats going on with the rest of my life. i need my license.
but school is exactly a week away.
Seven days, to be exact.
SEVEN. DAYS.
well, this year, i'm gonna try to be optimistic.
After all, seven IS a lucky number <3
5:12 p.m. - 2008-08-19
i am NOT READY FOR THIS
my. life. sucks.
seriously.
it's like everyone and everything is out to get me, cause there's no way that:
-im gonna get my license before school
-im gonna lose weight before school
-im gonna change my hair. my look..
-some reason is going to come up to make me WANT to go to dc
-anyone, anyone at all is going to want to talk to me again, ever.
And those are the reasons i must kill myself.
Seriously though, they are good reasons.
i have the treadmill. accomplished nothing.
we're hardly moved in. no furniture.
i feel like the only person on an island far, far away from society.
the thought of senior year scares me to death.
deepcreek was a MISTAKE.
if i had stayed w the ptown kids, at least time would never go by where i wouldn't know anyone. or be isolated.
the only slight refuge i can get is that i may be getting out early, and i may have a job soon. money.
i can't lose all hope though,
i just can't let it get to me.
7:11 p.m. - 2008-07-19
Starving to death right now would be a wonderful idea
you know what,
i AM a wannabe anorexic
so why am i not living up to that?
i should be. especially while were STUCK here doing NOTHING.
my life is passing by stupidly with nothing to do and all i have to show for it is....
actually, nothing.
but an annoying sibling
that i HATE. and cannot stand.
If we even move on Monday.
i wish i had the nerve to kill myself.
THE NERVE
but no, being the idiot i am, i keep on eating, like a monster, like a disgusting revolting thing.
i despise food.
and hmm. i've got an idea.
this IS the wannaxxrexic diary.
so i'll make it that. starting now.
not eating, and i'll keep making entries to see how i do.
Finally, I'm getting somewhere.
And if i make it i'll have something, no, ALOT to show.
5:18 p.m. - 2008-07-07
i can ride my bike with NO HANDLEBARS...
look at me
for once i say it feels great to be
ALIVE
yeah i said it
its cause this song is muy inspirational
and i just realized that josh peck is awsum. like i will be.
cause i can ALSO ride my bike with no handlebars...
even though when i look outside i cant see the stars...
i can stop depression with an ice cream float
everything i stress over is a joke
and i can get OVER that chris lochner guy
and for once i can say i dont WANA die
and i can get this weight off if i WANT TO
cause it really all depends on my attitude
on my attitude......
xD hahahaha<3
11:45 p.m. - 2008-06-30
There's no time for me
I heavily dislike life right now.
100 years to live is a depressing song.
my eyes are permanently red.
i was wrong about him. HIM.
that guy, who i hate. heavily dislike.
i wish i could just die. or not have been born..... why does my life have to be like this?
why........?
i think i deserve better. sure, he ended it.
we stopped talking. everything was awkward.
my phone's screen broke.
i got a new one today. it's nice. but he's not txting me.
and i shouldn't care...... i dont want to.
i just want to die.
too bad there are no knives in this motel or whatever this is.
I would do myself in. I need to.
and i mean, i just feel SO ALONE it's not even funny. it never was funny.....
just like, yknow will smith, in that movie:
if there's anybody out there,
PLEASE
11:05 p.m. - 2008-06-17
im DATING the hornster<333
Okay, so i was wrong...
about everything. i got what i wanted.
I HAVE what i wanted =D
he's everything i could've hoped for
and he doesn't care about anyone but me.
yet life isn't perfect.....
so it's summer
i need my license
i wana hang out with people
i wana g2 gfield nxt yr
i need my license, lyk SERIOUSLY
were moving.....
at a hotel since our power's out
only have transportation til four
yes. it sucks. and the hornster keeps on txting. but i LIKE it.
and were turning the library n2 something else tomorrow.
naughty naughty
yeha, let's see how this ends<3
