11:53 p.m. - 2011-04-24
on the road to genuine happiness?
awesome, i have to write this shit all over cause i deleted it.
guess its gonna be shorter and less emotional.
ok here goes: i have a new bf, yay, *insert applause* hes awesome, young, sexay, mixed, blah blah, however le problems i still do have:
in love w gman
random vcard thing
not in love
the not in love may be a good thing... less chance of getting hurt.
unfortunately, as proven right now, it does not reduce my chance of freaking out.
hey dude im back on the map though. feel like a functional member of society again. however...feel like some people dont like me for it.
thats kinda funny.
eh, and its not. i need to get a move on. on what, though...
i guess only time will tell.
edit: oh, and i wanted to say we started dating on... like 16-18ish so hell this is good stuff. good stuff... ")
12:18 a.m. - 2011-04-06
ive solved nothing.
im having a crisis or something.
i dont think humans are supposed to eat meat. it just doesnt feel right..
so ive had 2 breakdowns in the past 2 days. just escaped a suicidal moment.
you know things are bad, when you have to go to exes that you do not even care about for comfort.
ANYWAYS, dont wanna get into that stuff. idk what to do. ive been running everyday for AT LEAST 30 mins and NOTHINGGG IS HAPPENING.
i dont know what the fuck to do. being vegan is the only thing that worked, and i felt great.
its either that again or starving/water fasting which i cannot do... because its definitely not working with me just running.
in other news, i have to say something about this guy now. sigh...lets just call him GMAN. i hate the fact that i even have to acknowledge that i know/ like him but i do... and i have for months. and i mean look how far ive gotten with that?
i mean, were on the verge of friends.
i remember when i was just a creeper talking about how he was hot and i was never going to get him. that might still be true.
but it might not.
anyways....the point is....
i dont fucking know what to do.
1:55 p.m. - 2011-03-28
Failed To Launch
No clue what to write here today. first off, i'm at school !
shows some confidence, eh???
This gets alot harder once dudes come in and sit next to you. -.-
However, life is... ok.
and i roughly mean just okay. like.. i feel like it should be better but i dont know what im supposed to be doing.
and i know what i want, but i dont know how to get it. im trying...
and im not really failing but im not getting anywhere. and its ridiculous.
because you cant say im not trying hard enough.. i AM.
anyways, i should probably get off, i have another attempt to try?
wishing myself luck here<3
6:35 p.m. - 2011-03-10
bullshit.
specifically came here just to vent today. the words im.so.pissed.off. just do not cut it today.
more, my heart is filled with rage and i cant stand it.
okay... where the fuck do people get off with doing what they do to me? and why for a second do i think i can take this?
oh right, because i cant do anything for myself. AND WHY THE FUCK IS THAT?
the truth is i dont know. its like everyone is against me and no one understands and EVERYONE.. has done something to make me mad.
and where the fuck... do guys get off, do these manwhores get off doing whatever the fuck they want, bragging about it to me and then thinking for SOME FUCKING REASON that they could have a shot at me?
do i look fucking stupid to you? NO.
its just bullshit.
and its like, im doing everything i dont want to do, hanging out with people i dont want to hang out with.
its like i cant find where i belong.
or they cant find me.
i just feel like i have to be myself, and that other shit will just come.... eventually. and i shouldnt fake anything for anyone. not how i feel, not what i think of them... no lies.
and maybe when i do find them, everything will just happen, and it will feel right. and i wont have to question anyone, or hate anyone, because we'll belong.
fuckkkkk that day needs to come sooner.
10:53 p.m. - 2011-02-15
god? no.....just me.
so i just came three times in like, twenty minutes. theres definitely something wrong with me.
either that or im just super horny.
ANEWAYYYS, i needed to jet this out and cant really talk about it with anyone without looking crazy/ like a slut.
this not having a bf/getting anywhere with anyone is turning me into a freak, and not just literally.
i mean i cant just go to school thinking fate will happen and i will magically get somewhere with these guys.... i might have to work at it.
and i dont care if i look stupid, or if it completely fails. because the thing is, although i run from it... i secretly like attention. it puts me on the map. and i WANT to be on the map.
because im not a kid anymore. and i said i didnt want to go crazy....but this...
this IS crazy.
8:44 p.m. - 2011-02-06
You Cant Complain Until You're 95 Pounds
FUUUUUUUUUUU
i dont know what to do.
its february 6th, and me mom and mk have been vegan for approximately five days, maybe five and a half.
and for some reason its hard for me...
i mean i knew we wouldnt agree on things and that this would be hard. but nothings THIS hard.
i feel like the whole world is against me. eggs and milk are in EVERYTHING.
and ive been cheating. but ive been running everyday too.
i feel like i mightve lost some weight? and if i havent im on the right track?
okay i calmed down...im gonna keep goin with this.
i mean even if they stop.... i wont.
i feel like this is where im supposed to be.
<3
6:44 p.m. - 2011-01-15
\"Dude, if I Was A Cheeto...\"
thought i should start a new page since its a new year and all...
and the other page was filled with petty college things and petty boys that are unimportant now.
yeah, now i pretty much dont talk to anyone...i guess you could call it almost depression. but my laptop is saving me.
and so is n....
okay, the thing about this guy.
i dont think i know the real reason hes here.
i think the whole time hes been around, ive wanted him...and thats gotten in the way of me and countless other guys.
and i feel like it cant stay this way forever. we cant be like BFFZ when im so into him.
and YES, i am into him. no matter how much i dont want to be.
and i could say he's into me too, but idk how i feel about that, seeing as hes taking one of his trips to vb and not talking to me and its driving me nuts.
its like he is the defnition of adultery. i could never end up with him, i could never marry him.
and i could never hook up with him now, because of my supposed virtue and my new years resolution of non sluttery...
that i completely agree with and will follow until i get a new boyfriend.
its like saving myself for relationshipage.
i just gottah get out more and meet more people...i got like 18 credit hours this semester. LOT of sklwork.
but i dont mind. its my last semester.
and itll be...fun. :)
