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9:29 p.m. - 2011-08-30
i hate life, i honestly do
Just came here to vent like usual.
Ok sooo. first day of class is tomorrow. today was prob one of the worst days of my life. mother is a bitch.
and ok.... literally the whole day shes acting like a fucking maniac bitch the whole time and then at the end of the day she has THE NERVE to tell me i have a bad attitude? that im not excited enough?
BITCH HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW EXCITED I AM
because im upset that she ruined my day by acting like a total bitch ?
because she IS A BITCH.
honestly, idk where the fuck she gets off saying that but i hope she gets in a car accident or some shet on the way to work to have some sense knocked into her.
Like who is she to think she doesnt need to help me with anything?
and also, another thing id like to tell her: i dont give a fuck what you did when you were little. youre not me. you dropped out of college and got pregnant like an idiot. youre stupid.
i mean wtf, the next time she gets mad at me for ANYTHING i swear im just gonna be like WELL since you want me to do everything myself, never wanna take me anywhere, and think i have a bad attitude ill just stay here forever k?
FUCK HER DUDE.
okay im done w that section.
needless to say i actually AM a little excited for tomorrow. kind of ruined by today, wish i had some alcohol to help me forget about it or something to help me forget -.-
anyways, shes a bitch. i feel like her being evil today totally gave me free reigns to do whatever the fuck i want to do. and i will.
JUST YOU WATCH, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
ok, im done. donee.

9:51 p.m. - 2011-08-16
untitled
okidoke. here we go.
im fine. im not depressed or anything, or angry or in some crazy mood that i usually am when im in here. things will get better. itll happen. im 19. things are fine.
so i went back on my word and went back to someone from before lets just call him.. a tard. because thats what he is.
anyways, idk, through these last few days he hasnt said a word to me, and i know, he might just be like whatever, we just hung out why should we be talking.
but if he wants to act like more than friends, then i wanna be more than friends. and thats the end of that.
Maybe he's just a guy that doesnt like talking everyday.
But im not that kind of girl.
and if he cared, i know hed make an effort. And since he doesnt....
I need to stop making one.
I could sit here and cry about how i let this guy use me for forever and he doesnt care, or i could just say hey, it was fun while it lasted, the hurting part wasnt, so it has to be over now.
So im never talking to him again.
And by this i mean im never making an EFFORT to talk to him.
I will never waste another inch of myself or my time on you. I wont.

7:43 p.m. - 2011-07-27
And now, the dream is over...
Alright, ive finally reached a breaking point with this Gman obsession. I want it to be over.
He doesnt like me. Its obvious. He only likes sluts and apparently I dont fit into that.
Nor do i WANT to.
I mean he can go have fun with his sluts and get STDs and all that other shit that he probably already has.
And I mean, hes not even making an effort to talk to me which means he doesnt care about me, obviously.
So yeah, he doesnt care. doesnt like me. why the fuck do i think about him on a regular basis.
I honestly don't want to see/hear about/ be obsessed with him anymore. He doesnt matter.
And who knows I may never see him at school. At ODU. And even if i did, he might not even talk to me.
and yet i WASTE thoughts on this guy.
But I wont anymore. I can't.
He's just a guy that isnt into me right now. So i'm not going to be into him.
There are other guys out there.
There are better ones.
I'm done thinking about this one.
edit:
‎"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll be there. So don't bother saving a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay" -Michael Cera. ♥

8:48 p.m. - 2011-07-18
So please dont wake me... till someone cares. Now I dont careee
Can't really remember why i decided to write hmm. Well.... everythings gone straight to hell.
Ajs been gone for about three weeks tomorrow.
I've fallen back into depression. (Didnt want to admit it, but i am)
Somehow I feel like i have less friends than i ever did... and dont really want to hang out with many of them.
I may have to live here....forever.
oh, and the icing on the cakeee.
Gmans not thinking about me. like, at all. So basically, life is pointless.
POINTLESS. WITHOUT MEANING.
I'm not really working out anymore... dont know why, guess im just lazy.
No motivation for anything. Trying to work on that right now, this is the best ive felt all day and after fighting with those two idiots that live here with me I dont know how im not still pissed.
This is weird because, i thought i loved summer. then again my summer started in May and it was a nice sexay summer with my boyfriend in may and june. and now its just shit.
but i thought i was going to be able to make it something better.
I just dont know. I dont know.

4:50 p.m. - 2011-07-09
I'm Craving A Bigmac, And IDGAF.
I decided to write cause im in a weird mood.
Its like a i-really-dont-give-an-honest-fuc-about-anything-mood and an i-just-want-my-bigmac-mood.
It feels REALLY really good.
Anyways, yeah... came here to say that...its like crazy shit could happen right now. but i honestly dont care. about anything. fuck whatever happens. im just tryna enjoy sheit rightnow.
im sick of trying to make my life PERFECT, yknow? or perfect in my views
Sick of saying ohh i wanna lose weight ohh people ohh friends ohh crush on guy i mean i dont care what the hell happens, honestly.
i guess im straight chillin.
did i inhale something today? idk.
maybe its just the sun.

edit:
really really good
really really good
really really good.

8:22 p.m. - 2011-07-07
just something sentimental ♥
I came across an interesting quote today in my random bout of loneliness.
It said "People will fail you, move on".
This affected me because...I think im so used to hearing "people will love you if youre THIS or you dont need people, or people will make you feel annoying sometimes, get over it".
But never had i got the gist of people really FAILING you. The fact that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much sense you make.... they might just fail you because they are going to fail you. And you just have to move on.
I mean, look at me and aaron. look at matt. zach, chris, every guy that has failed me in some way or another. It's not really their fault and I cant be mad at them, because in the end.... I have to worry about me.
and move on.

9:29 p.m. - 2011-06-19
U mad? Do some yoga.
Note to self: when angry, go take a walk outside. DO NOT PUNCH A HOLE IN YOUR WALL OR INJURE YOUR BELONGINGS/YOURSELF.
this fuckn hole man... ugh. yeah, last post was completely correct.
parentals=way past insane.
its like theyre all out to get me.
its bullshit. bullllllshheeeiiit.
ANYWAYS, not sure im gonna be able to survive them when aj leaves... ill admit im a bit scared.
just dont wanna go back to depression. so im going to write a list of little things that i can enjoy the month and a half that hes gone before i leave:
1-be single again... flirt w dudes ! (i know, there arent any, but find some. and try. and get rejected)
2-no more political arguments. you can find a guy that doesnt hate obama and litter and call you a stupid liberal. you can find someone who cares about the environment and wont litter all over your driveway...
3-feel free to spend time at the Y/ devote summer to working out/ just work
4-invite different people over to your house !
5-hmm post slutty pics on fb just for the fun of it. idk
6-you can find a less dumb guy, no offense.. i mean i love him, but something about all his mean ass comments and his dumb sayings just turn me off.
7-hmm find a guy whos more experienced ?! and can get it up in random places. and who you want to do it with alll the timmeee. haha
8-this is gonna sound crazy.. but enjoy the house. live it up while youre still here... idk, do somn crazy, do somn crazy.
*most importantly DO NOT go back to anyone from before. that is all, have a lovely day...

7:13 p.m. - 2011-05-17
For Tonight We Dine.. In Hell
i wish i could erase these past two days from memory.
So in two days, i have realized that i might not be able to go away to school because i dont have the money, unless i get student loans.
My mom decides to get all bitchy and i realized that my parents, for all these years, have been crazier than i think.
Realize how much of a good kid that i actually am, and how much of my life ive wasted when i could have been progressing. because i need to get away from them.
and i finally understand.
i finally understand the concept of war. People are going to be different..
Some much more different than you. And there will be times... when you just will not agree on things. and when that time comes...
you have to fight.

Hopefully things have gotten as bad as they will get; but i fear the worst.

2:38 p.m. - 2011-05-08
god just loves to troll my life
im fucked up.
i need help, seriously. this is crazy.
been dating this kid (lets just call him AJ) for about three weeks.
thought it would help me not think abouT gman.
PRO= it made life better for a lil bit. hes fun. im this much loser to being..getting done.
CON= it did NOT fucking help me not tthink about gman. HES ALL I THINK ABOUT. i dont even want to think about him, and hes there. and the closer i get to aj the worse it makes me feel...because the more i think about gman.
the WORST part out of all of this is, i have no clue if he even likes me. i am wasting my days worrying about someone who might not have even thought about me for five minutes in his life.
and then, i always tell myself, well i could make him think about me.
and here, we have my predicament.
how do you flirt with a guy, when you obviously have a boyfriend ? how do you know if a guy likes you, when hes not gonna flirt with you if you have a boyfriend ? a guy who really likes you will still flirt anyway. yes ? no?
i dont have a fucking clue. half of me wants fate to magically happen, and things to fall into place. the other half of me wants to tell him fucking everything..just put myself out there. but he could reject me. and then id be stuck somewhat near him for the next 2 years, probably... ugh.
im kind of at the point where something NEEDS to happen. but i know an "i like you" sounds alot cuter than "i fucking think about you everyday adn just want to marry you at this moment"
BUT I CANT EVEN SAY I LIKE YOU. FUCK.
FUCK.

 

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