10:18 p.m. - 2012-07-08
Let them come.
mmk, im gonna try to update and keep this short at the same time.
insight of this amazingly horrible summer, ive kinda reached this point where iv given up, realizing things aren't going to get any better.
ok, how do i word this. things suck, i already know that. all i want is to move, that is ALL I WANT. and yet i cant have it....
oh & if anyoned told me what my dad would do....the whole money thing. i hate him.
i feel like this is all leading up to a conclusion where i blow up on everyone (the money thing). but i didnt come here to discuss that.
im sitting here & the past few weeks iv just given up: on finding a job, moving, being happy in any way. and today i realized.... i just cant do that.
Like hypothetically, lets just say there is a devil. ive always felt like a victim of life, like someone is out to get me/ make my life as horrible as possible.
i realized that, in every way could be true. it could keep being horrible, so horrible that i kill myself...
but wheres the good in that? why should i let that happen? why shouldnt i fight back? i let EVERYTHING get to me.
and since the one thing i want, to move, isnt happening & isnt GOING to happen i know at least for a month...
i should just focus on other things.
i'm constantly bitching about my summer being ruined because of this. i shouldnt LET this ruin my summer.
it sounds crazy as i type it out, but...even though i cant control this situation, i control my own life.
every day is a new day. i shouldnt let this ruin ALL my days. theres so much to do this summer & only one month left to do it.
i keep giving up on things, because it feels like ill never get them. WHY should i do that? ive always been a late bloomer, boyfriends, first dates, all that nonsense... why should jobs & moving on in my life be any different. they WILL happen. hell if i had given up on chris & not stayed afterschool all those times i wouldve never had a first bf or yknow, i wouldve way later. i can't give up on anything.
like, just thinking about it... if i lost my laptop rightnow, like it just fucking broke. if gmy stopped paying my phone bill...if we lost our storage stuff. ok that last one is a bit much but those are all horrifying, yeah? but are they going to stop me from living? am i still gonna be able to sit in the grass and breathe and smile and cry and be alive? YES. i fucking am. the hypothetical devils cant REALLY win, unless they kill me. and i welcome them, im welcoming them now to come... to attempt to because i am NOT going to kill myself.
It might have already gotten as bad as it will get, but for all i know things might be about to get worse. but if i can rely on one thing... its myself. i'm here for you. for me.
so yeah, teared up a bit earlier writing this, ummm gonna do another entry so this one isnt so long. with a different tone.
just needed to make the above clear.

12:50 a.m. - 2012-06-03
Perseverance
Reading through the other entries on this page is really sad, kind of creepy. but i came here to let myself know a few things.
like, i am in SO much pain here. i was completely right about not wanting to come, its been hell. i keep getting my hopes up for moving and getting let down... SO let down. & im not gonna lie, i wanted to come here and vent all my suicidal feelings.
but i feel like i need to just help myself a little. even if its with words from an internet diary. no one else is helping me, so here i am.
you just have to get it in your head and pretend that youre ok if things NEVER change. if its like this forever. if we never leave here & you never have a house w them and they never move out. i know, the thought makes you wana kill yourself but once you get past that.... theres other stuff. its like, i can work TWICE as hard to find a job, because that's some real motivation. its also motivation to hangout with anyone, its motivation to make new friends. i know you think, oh none of that is worth being here but maybe it will be...
i feel like if i can just ACT like it doesnt affect me (even though i want to rip my hair out on the inside).... maybe it wont actually affect me.
kinda like the thing w zach. that shit hurt, talking to him hurt, being a part of anything at all hurt, but every since i told him we shouldnt talk anymore & acted like it didnt get to me.... it really hasnt. ive accepted the fact that we are NEVER going to be together and that i dont need a guy who just wants to fuck me.... yeah.
also, fuck that last entry i can wait if i fucking want to. & if i actually was gna lose it to my 1st hookup since then id have lost it the other night with chris. yep, soon i will have forgotten about the fact that we made out & it will be just history...right?
if i juust.... pretend things are fine. maybe ill be okay. more people will wana talk to me. i might start enjoying life again.
the most important thing right now is that i CANNOT rely in any way, shape, or form on my parents AT ALL. they suck. they really do. ive always thought i maybe had nice parents because they could be so much worse, but theyre equally as bad because they dont care.....theyre not there for me. i dont know why they didnt just get an abortion when my mom got pregnant; probably because shes an idiot anyway & thought i would actually like life.
but ok.. the point is... pretend youre ok... and before you know it.... things will stop being horrifying and actually be....ok. okay? im here for you<3
xo

6:38 p.m. - 2012-05-05
Tales of the 20 Year Old Virgin
Alrighty, alot to say/ tell you. For once, i am in a completely calm, almost happy (not really) mood.
Ive decided i need to get rid of this whole sex thing once & for all, get it over with, even if it does suck. so much for waiting for some awesome person.
and no, nate did not convince me of this, although he spent allmorning yesterday trying to tell me i was wrong for waiting and i was gonna miss out on everything, not fucking, everyone. because this is what manwhores say.
but no, he is right to a certain extent, my time is far past due so im gonna stop pretending like its in my future somewhere....
you know what comes to those who wait?
nothing.
Read the above sentence again if you dont get it. and dear future me, if you have sex w someone and you regret it, im sorry, but hey, at least theres nothing to be embarrased about anymore ehhh?!
but i feel like i kinda trust myself. like it was at a point last night where me & nate are arguing and im like wait, what the fuck is this shit. why am i actually arguing over this, this shouldnt even be an issue anymore, it never shouldve been. so i need to lose it. meh.
however, NOW THAT THAT'S BEEN SAID. there is a reason that theres been somuch failure w me and my unlost vcard. all these guys have literally been the most horrible cunts in the universe to me. like, theyre such twats. i had zach put me through all that nonsense, date other girls and then attempt to come back to me, i had tyrus get wishy washy on me when i was practically in love, i had nate do this to me, whatever the fuck this is, when he knooows about the other guys, he KNOWS and he still does this and convinces me that its not ok to wait to lose my virginity, ugh, i hate it.
fucking twats. just because iv decided its ok to give it up now to the 1st person who i hook up with (& i hope to god its not some arse), doesnt mean i respect these dicks any more. its like what do i have to choose from?? asshole player or confused guys. i swear all of this is because im fat, skinny girls dont have to deal w this bullshit.

3:24 p.m. - 2012-04-28
And This Is Why Im Dropping Out And Getting My Life Together
Ughghghghghhh ok. Everything is horrible, and I don't know what to do about it.
Like... nothings completely horrible yet, but im worried about the future.
Like these idiots want to stay at his house instead of moving to a fucking apartment. or at least, that's the vibe im getting. They don't give a shit. Just like mikia doesn't give a shit about getting a job or doing normal stuff that she needs to do; i feel like im the ONLY ONE in this fam who cares about consequences of anything. like my stupid mom lets herself get kicked out of however many houses weve got kicked out of?? its bullshit. Like I understand nate's family now and why they have all that cunty strictness, theyre always on top of things and they want him to be. unlike here, where my moms not on top of shit and doesnt care what we do. id be better off getting a job as a stripper or selling drugs because then i wont need her for anything and she'd be happy. i just wanna get away from all of them and stay away, but i cant because i have no money. i hate it.
and im NOT FUCKING LIVING HERE DUDE its not happening. i dont wanna live in norfolk for another second but this place is gross were all cramped up & i cant bring people over here, its bullshit.
oh & speaking of nate... i guess i should probably talk about that too. But i mean idk what to even say, idk wtfs going on w him. its retarded. heres the short story version: we hook up, i start to like him, want to know if he likes me back, realize hes a douche, tell him that, he gets pissed off, then later agrees that he's a douche. and now were not talking. idk what the hell's going to happen with that.
I want romance, yknow? i want a guy that actually wants me back. how the hell do these guys even get away with this? its the same thing with zach. you kissed mefirst, you dont get to use me.......urghghhg. whatever.
Maybe i just get into it too fast. or maybe im just too ugly for anyone to date. or too fat. well, duh. i had a nice anorexic thing going back at the apt but im pretty sure i just gained the weight back last night from me being here for one day.
i might be able to get back into that. but here i feel like shit, i have no control, i feel wrong... we need our own house, ugh. i need my own house. but its either being at a skl i hate or at my stupid dads house that i also hate, because its not ours and i have no space whatsoever.
like my entire family are idiots, and its just making me feel worse. ugh. i need to like.... move in w someone else for awhile. i cant think here, i cant relax here, i hate it here. while also hating it in norfolk. everyones fuckin idiots and i just cant stand it.

8:15 p.m. - 2012-03-27
hopeless and hungry
like that entry down below, nothing at all is happening. its annoying, insulting, whatever. life is pointless.
it annoys me that other people have friends and are all happy here. i hate it. and everyone i meet is like super boring. not that ive even hardly met anyone haha, still havent met anyone who lives in this building yet, wish there was some place people could just come adn hangout at. but whatever. this is odu, everyoens a bunch of idiots so why would i want to get to know them anyway.
i feel kind of bad because i think ive been transferring these feelings of dislike toward college in general when really i just dislike THIS college... maybe i shouldnt dropout i should just transfer...
but honestly, all this isnt worth not having a car/ friends/ a job/ money/ happiness. no it is freaking not dude.
not saying id be getting that if i dropped out, but better into going into debt over something thats depressing the shit out of me. and im almost positive i can do something with my life if i just get away from... this.
like im fucking 20 im not gonna spend the next year starving to death with bitchs i hate not having a job or life. ha ha no thankyou. so yeah, i should start looking for something else to do. welp.

9:59 p.m. - 2012-03-19
This Is What My Intelligent Brain Decides To Do Instead Of Studying For My Quantitative Test
IM SO HAPPY YOURE WORKING AGAIN DIARYLAND.
but i have alot on my mind and alot to update......things are different and changing and i should probably update this before everything goes to hell.
anyways, it's been like a whole week since gma passed :( i cant get over it. i was over it in the 12 hours it happened, but now im kind of noticing she's really dead, and its like..... i feel SO old.
on a similar vein, i dont want to be in school anymore... its not that i dont care, but i just feel like what im doing now is completely wrong. i'm not happy. after gma dying im noticing that life is too short and i shouldn't be wasting a second of it unhappily. and thats literally all i've been doing.
just because im in college doesnt mean i have instant happiness.
i feel like, im almost 21 im SUPPOSED to be doing something with my life. and what am i doing? fucking nothing.
like, i feel like giving up on psychology because i feel like ill never be doing something i want and its just going to be an epic waste of time.
and i am NOT going to spend 3 more years doing this. i dont even want to spend another year living like i am now.
and then the other side of me says that this is just the depression talking and that there's something wrong with me dysthymic disorder, bleh. and then the other side of me comes back with oh whatever, maybe that's a good thing and i should get this life over with....
and that scares me. i mean i dont wanna be suicidal forever. im not suicidal. i dont wanna go back to that shit. how did i get here again? i was fine.
its like, i fucking hate everything, and now gmas dead and for what? my life is already shit! what am i supposed to do about any of this.
idk what im supposed to do, but i feel like what i am doing is just completely wrong.
i dont need to be doing nothing but skl work every day when it might not get me anywhere.
i dont need to have 0 friends and a long list of enemies.
i need money and a happy life, at least a little bit of it.
im thinking about calling them and cancelling my homesteading before the may 15th deadline... sigh. and then what, moving back home? im thinking about not coming back to school next year. i guess it all depends on how this summer goes....
but i just... im not into it anymore.
i love school, but i dont love it like this. i hate this. and ive never had that feeling towards school before.
i dont deserve any of this... i can blame myself for being fat or ugly and not getting friends, or for being dumb and have to go to this school... but its not my fault. no one should have to go through this.
and its like, im fine.. im not terribly distraught but its just like NOTHINGS happening NOTHING at all and its driving me INSANE.
and i just cant go on like this. yknow?
but there is some hope... i suppose if things change before the end of the semester.... i wont drop out. if these last 2 months are good (less than that?) then i might be okay here.
we'll see how it goes.
xo

9:49 p.m. - 2012-03-19
My entry from penzu
Okidokie diaryland, here goes. you were broken awhile back and i desperately needed to vent so i wrote this insanely long entry in another online diary that sucks compared to this one. jk jk, but here it is. its long as fuck.

-----this is really weird. im used to not looking at a paper background.

um... yeah. ok. vent time. so, i never thought the bachelor could inspire such disturbances in me, but oh loook what happened.

i feel like i have no friends left.

thats old news, but i feel like no one likes me. that the number of people that dont like me is growing ridiculously and its annoying and kind of scary, kind of freaking me out.

on the other hand, everythings great/ fine/ whatever....

but i just feel like i have no friends, and im doing a GREAT job of keepign it that way.

i mean. my enemy list used to be just one. or maybe one or two, now its like FIVE...

OR MORE.

its just... this is how i feel.

i feel like if we were friends, on good terms, once, we should be able to stay friends/ keep being friends/ and everything will be fine.

thats not how anyone else feels.

thats not how ashley feels, i havent written about her in a good two years or more but she literally just ditched me and never looked back. in actuality we're so similar that she probably complained to zach about me as much as i complained about her to him. so, i dont know.

i mean, i know i shouldnt get mad over stupid idiots who are just mad because they never got me. which i guess some of them are. i guess.

but i mean......i guess i have a different view of myself than everyone else does; a better one? because i think i'm a nice person; and i think it should take MUCH more to decide to stop talking to me forever..... its ridiculous.

its like i hate everyone here, there's no one left for me.

and i can't meet anyone, its like impossible at odu, not to mention i fucking hate the place, the school anyway. its just not my thing. it's not a place i like.

i kind of like that i can admit that so i know its not just me being weird.

i mean.... i hated creek. i didnt like it. i made forty times the friends there, that i have at odu, which is saying something terrible.

tcc was great, the people were nice, i met people, it was an overall good experience, got kind of lonely towards the end but the beginning was good.... i connected with people.... at odu, i dont connect with hardly anyone.

they're all just vaguely uninteresting. that sounds bad, but whatever. i legit haven't met a SINGLE person besides stephanie that i thought was interesting or someone i'd even want to talk to/ communicate with outside of school. but that girl's pretty amazing. too bad she's a senior.

at tcc, i met tons of people i'd want to talk to. i didnt even have to make an effort, usually. it just happened. its how i met zach... and morgan and brittany and jason (both of them) and caitlyn and even aaron and..... matt. pretty much everyone even though most of them are at different colleges but i mean it was easy. at odu its like everyones sooooo boring and i cant even talk to them. this sounds shallow, but whatever. im not THAT interesting. so why is everyone else so uninteresting. i dont know.

i legit havent really tapped into this until now. i mean i always said this, people were boring, but im thinking about it now..... and there is literally not ONE person i have an urge to "get to know" in any of my classes, or on campus anywhere.

besides coffee guy and woody, and they dont even count, because they're not random and i'm not "supposed" to want to get to know them -___-

and then the thing is, no one's interested in me either.

not that im expecting that or anything, but it usually happened every once in awhile at tcc.

morgan basically attacked me with kindness until i accepted her friendship, i didnt have to do anything, shed walk me all the way to my next class and talk to me for ridiculously long amounts of time.

i didnt have to do anything... same with brandon. eck ok i didnt want his name to be in here, but hes relevant. he was like practically annoying in that he was always there to hangout at skl.

but no ones there for me now, i wonder what's different? maybe people think im not interesting.... the only person who's legit actually interested in hanging out is alex.... thats probably it. nobody else cares.

idk, i'm not gonna lie, at LEAST once a month the thought crosses my mind that.. i should've transferred when i had the chance, last semester. and i'd be somewhere different now. and it would be great.

the thought of that is literally making my heart cringe.

i mean, i could tell myself.... hey, just get to know the people in your classes even if you think theyre uninteresting.... but i mean... i have no urge to whatsoever. theyre just, not something i want. i had more urge to get to know people at tcc that i DIDNT get to know. like, random effing people. i'd rather go back to fucking tcc, adn get to know everyone i didn't know, than get to know these people at odu.

its like they're all idiots too. ugh.

ok, i should stop.

but i mean its like im not one of them.

and oh my god, thinking back to like, 10th grade. i was weird as SHIT and still had people falling over themselves to be friends with me. why? was it because i had style then? like i dont now? because i definitely don't. i dress like a preppy boring high schooler now. i dont know what happened, other than i have no money and feel self-conscious in anything other than jeans all of a sudden.

this was weird, i guess. until next time.....------

8:49 p.m. - 2012-02-20
I need optimism. This is what I get.
fuck that last entry, ill be happy soon, im just going through a rough phase.
i mean, my entire lifes kind of been the rough phase. but ive had happy moments. this just isnt one of them.
i have some happy things ive been thinking about, and some sad ones.
starting with the sad ones: ive reached some kind of weird low point being here, doing this. i mean, i love school. but this isnt what i expected at all, and its just life trolling me saying here, you can get what you want, then giving me the opposite of what i wanted. On top of that, I feel like no one likes me for some reason. LIke, i know im not supposed to care but lately EVERYONE is like... acting like they dont care, ACTUALLY not caring...i feel like everyone thinks i dont deserve their attention. like im not worthy enough of talking to them, im just someone to be avoided. and id love to think its not like that, but then in the back of my mind theres nick and his "batshit insane" comments, and i think maybe everyone just thinks im crazy. and i mean i get that im awkward and kind of weird sometimes, and i dont mind that. but im not crazy. im a sensible person, when emotions are left out of it. sure i care too much about a few things, but that doesnt mean i should be isolated from everyone. its just unfair.
On to the happy ones: though alot of stuff, bad stuff is happening i feel like its some weirdish karma... i mean. all this rejection/ people not wanting to spend time w me, talk to me, get to know me... how many times have i done that to other people? and the list of guys ive rejected is long as fuck now. so i feel like.... as long as i have that list... i have to get rejected sometimes. people wont like me sometimes. and i feel like in the rejection department, ive only been rejected by like, half the guys compared to how many i have personally turned down. so i feel like....if i just keep going. and keep being me and talking to people and not giving up, eventuallllyyy i might get into something awesome. that sounds cheesy, but whatever. im gonna need to push through these people and this rough time, to get to good ones. eh?? this was a long entry. xo

9:46 p.m. - 2012-01-28
Didnt Like My First Title So Here's Another One
i just finished the finale of American Horror Story and im proud to call it fantastic and say that its definitely my favorite show.
i was pretty pissed today. still a little unhappy about it, but whatever.
im at home, and i was hating it. im just not a person who likes procrastination and not doing things when youre supposed to. sigh.
its sad to admit i actually attempted to cut myself but none of the knives are sharp enough. now i have this weird stinging pain in my left wrist.
no scars, but annoying pain. maybe my circulations cutting off or something, haha. haaaaaah.
i cant stop laughing at everything even though nothings funny.
anyways. me and z are totally over. maybe not, but the guy ignored me for hours at a time, twice in one week, so FUCK that noise.
like in the last entry, i decided i didnt need people.....that worked soooo well.
but i mean, i dont. and life's easier when you can admit that.
i also had a weird thought come to me a few minutes ago. like, i was thinking about chasing happiness and i was thinking about ahs and about how some people are eternally unhappy and its kind of beautiful in a weird way.
and i was like...maybe if i can accept...that ill never be happy...maybe ill be alright.
i mean, happiness is for losers anyway. what hasnt come often wont ever come, and im ok with saying that. and maybe me saying that will make it actually come. but idk, me, happy, thats just something i dont see. like ever. maybe im just one of those people whos doomed to misery, and unhappiness, in all its glory.

9:43 p.m. - 2012-01-17
My Nails are a Sexy bright Red cause I don't have a Title
so i went back home, and its definitely better here, no matter how bored i get.
also, fuck that guy. he is an asshole and nerds are gross anyways. yeah, fuck nerds. in fact, i should probably forget about guys completely cause nothing good is happening with those xy chromosomes.
so yeah. i came to an astonishing realization the other day. yesterday, to be exact.
it was the realization that i dont need anyone here, like im fine here by myself. i dont need other people around 24/7.
i should stop moping over people and just worry about myself. like it seems like i have the need to feel.. needed. like going a few days without a friend over here kills me, apparently. and i just need to not see it like that.
i just have to focus on other things.

10:32 p.m. - 2012-01-11
Not gonna lie, I'm sad
i kind of told myself this wouldnt happen.
its been 4 entire days, im at the new apartment, schools going alright.
i think im more bored here than i was at home, and i just told myself this wasnt going to happen.
i mean its just the beginning of the semester i know, but no one cares.
no one wants to come visit me, all the other roomates have people over 24/7, i have shitty friends. plus i dont have alot of friends that go here....
apparently im unnatractive enough to get rejected. although i really just wanna forget about this forever. no ones said anything about it to me, so im guessing they dont know....
but if anyone finds out, ill just DIE.
hes not even cute. ughh. i hate myself for even trying to be nice to him. i confess nothing, and i still get a rejection.
like what the fuck is wrong enough with me so that people dont even wanna be my friend? i hate everything.
i feel pointless and boring. i mean, i kind of felt like that at home too but i cant explain it. it was better.
i kind of just want to cry but i have no one to cry to... just no one cares.
and i feel like i cant get anybody to care. even if someone talks to me its just like whatever, they dont care how im doing....they dont.
idk what to do to make people care.
also, fuck this school. its no better just cause i live here, its still shit.
but i mean, to applaud myself, im not just sitting here all day wishing i was somewhere else.
i TRY.
but no one cooaperates...
i need to meet new people....sigh.
i guess i thought this would be fun cause i can have people over whenever and just do whatever i want....
i wonder if everyone else feels like this....my roomates dont act like they feel like this.....
idk what to do, really. i cried last night. but that was only for 2 seconds cause of the rejection thing.
like, he didnt even want to talk or be my friend or anything.
i dont deserve any of this, its not fair. fuck this.

1:58 a.m. - 2012-01-02
2 0 1 2
Whatever, ignore the date its still New Year's right now.
This feels really awk cause i just gave isaih the link to this so if youre out there HAY HOW YOU DOIN lol, i love you.
ok back to me. my shindig thingy last night went awesome. being drunk just makes everything better. smirnoff ftw.
and ok... on a more serious note. 2012 is off to a good start, i guess?
havent talked to z since last year (lol) cause im not a fkkn prostitute so f him anyway.
lingering disappointment in the back of my mind about something...someone. i dont know why i do this to myself, thinking about guys that dont want me& i need to stop thinking about it. but my brain dreams things up and once it does.... theyre stuck there until something physically pushes them away.
on the bright side i might be hanging with this sexay guy tomorrow before he leaves for the coast guard again. benny, i guess. and then the next day i can talk to odu. see about moving in.
have this weird fear of once i move in, not having any friends or just not communicating with anyone.... thats totally not going to happen. ill be ok.
and on the bright side, hiding stupid alcohol bottles from parties wont be an issue -____-
on an emotional side; im totally better now. i mean im not like glory happy but things have improved A LOT. it seems like im always emotionally distraught when i write in here but thats not the case lately.
maybe its because of the people i ditched. nd and that whole thing might be over forever...but thats a sacrifice im willing to take. havent been this "happy" in awhile...
i just wish one awesome thing would happen to push me into the ACTUAL "happy" zone. not one thing specifically. just anything.
oh and meanwhile everyones confessing their feelings for me its weird as hell but i mean, at least it means im attractive ! i think. ok im done w this entry, going to watch house.

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