8:14 p.m. - 2012-12-17
toughlove
ive done so many goddamn entries this year, like, what the fuck. but i needed to drop by...yet again, to tell myself things because....things need to be said.
theres something ive kinda been avoiding or trying not to say when really its just been like me in denial and leading to extreme depression in me when i realize it again.
i do want him. i do wish he was mine. i wish he was my boyfriend and not hers, and i wish he'd ditched her for me. i know, thats fucking retarded and stupid, but that's what i wish.i wish we could hangout all the time and i wish he fell in love with my personality instead of hers. i wish he was crazy about me instead.
and its just so depressing when i have these feelings because...its like i feel like ive failed or that no one wants me or i did something wrong. when really, its NOT that even though it feels soooo much like that. they already had a thing. people...they have things and they get together and become bf/gf. they already had their thing, and i came in and ruined it, or yknow made it less of a thing.and for absolutely no reason does that mean that i should automatically get everything. they ALREADY had a thing. it was there BEFORE me. im not failing at anything. him not talking to me is him going back to the way things were before, not me failing to be awesome or cool or whatever, or anything.
anyways, yeah. i do like him. alot. i dont know when im not going to again. but i do wish he was mine. but hes not so mehhh. god, that definitely wasnt on my list of things this year: turn 21, fall inlove with an 18 year old. ugh, fantastic.
anyways my emotions are so up and down lately that im like...ok. this just needs to be said.
it would be nice to be the girl that some guy doesnt wanna ditch one day though....itd be nice.
ANOTHER THING: today was really bad. prob the worst depression bout ive had in a bit...its just yknow i end up feeling like no guys want me and stuff and that im ugly adn will never be pretty/skinny/whatever.
i have to say to myself: honey, you are an EXTREMELY picky woman, k.
i mean when i think about it, i am. i can think of atleast 3 or 4 guys im friends with now that like me or WOULD go out w me if i asked them or hinted it. and then i act like no guy whatsoever wants me. i act like the world is centered around me, and when a guy doesnt leave his girlfriend for me, its because im a failure when really it has nothing to do with me. and then i act like no one wants me when i pick the most specific guys ever. like now? it HAS to be the guy w the girlfriend, and im just DEVASTATED that he didnt leave her for me/feel the same way. like, what the fuck. this is actually HAPPENING. i get sad at night because a guy with a GF didnt feel the same way. like, when they say youre going to get rejected, this is what they mean. its tough. pick yourself up and get going again.
xoxoxo
11:53 p.m. - 2012-12-12
Hello Lovely
Okay. I'm back again. I wanted to do an entry on the lovely 12/12/12....
ive kinda been falling back into it, feeling like theres nothing going on in my life and theres nothing i can do...
But i wanna let myself know something.
You are amazing. And just dont let anything next year get to you. I know it hurts that you see him everywhere....I know it felt like you two were perfect but he is one person. Just one guy. You can find a much better fit for you, and you will.
And when i say you need to just focus on yourself, it means so much. It doesnt just mean oh okay, forget about everyone else. it means do amazing things for yourself. Get what youve always wanted to get. Do what youve always wanted for yourself. Let it happen.
Let this year be a lesson, and let you not freak out so much anymore. I don't want next year to be a repeat. I want next year to be, wow i cant believe how much of a wreck i was last year compared to how solid i am this year. I really did it.
I'm glad i made this realization on the last repetitive date we'll have, that i will be different next year.
7:40 p.m. - 2012-12-07
"Dont forget to fall in love with yourself first"
mmk, i needed to write this...so here goes. you can guess how things have been...a lot like that last entry.
but i read that let them come entry again, and im SO glad i wrote that. its beautiful and inspiring, and it made me realize a few things all over again.
Basically i went against everything i said i would do in the last few entries: stop caring about them both, only focusing on myself, being strong, staying okay. its pretty much been the complete total opposite of that.
alot of times its like, i either put myself in one or two categories. i either am like "fuck em all, fuck everyone" and have some pathetic attempt and being only about me, or i have an "i love everyone and no one loves me no one cares im so sad i need people" phase. and ive been kind of straying away from some kind of middle, some kind of compromise.
i do need people, obviously. and it hurts when they dont care. it does. especially david. that one hurt really bad......we talk for months, and he lets it go so easily. really took a toll on my self-worth. but going back to the "people will fail you, move on" aspect....there was nothing i could do about it. he failed me, and that is that.
and on to the other one....i think my level of mental insanity/ depression these last few weeks would not have been so intense had this guy not come into the picture. seducing me, making me give a shit....not caring. not giving a shit himself. im not gonna deny it, me and ben had something special. and its like i just couldnt admit that without simultaneously going after him.... i couldnt say, "im not gonna go after this guy, but we DID have something special." but i was getting stuck on the details without looking at the bigger picture.being around/with him is almost the best ive ever felt with a guy. but the bigger picture is, if he felt that same exact way, i wouldnt be writing this right now. and he wouldnt have a girlfriend. but he DOES. and that is that.
and if future me needs further convincing....this is the guy that made a move on you first, and last. and multiple times inbetween, but thinks you dont mesh well. that has the neerve to cuddle with you all night, then say were just friends, the guy who tried to fuck biz in front of you....this is all sounding horrible getting typed out. but even after all that, you DID have something. it was nice. its done. it had bad consequences, it hurt. thats what life does. sometimes it ends badly, doesnt mean you cant enjoy it. im stil here, arent i? no one's killed me yet. i'm not dead.
but yeah, needed to tell myself that. i really need to work on myself and for once i actually get what that means. once im 100 percent happy w myself, other things will come. even if i never have a job or another boyfriend...il still be here. no one will be winning if i like myself. and seeing as im trying, those things will probably happen. when my laptop broke and i needed a new phone....i got it back and got my replacement. i just need to actually go through with things.
and in all seriousness its really nothing to worry about. looking back through these, im so funny. i have this bristling personality and its like how dare anyone hurt this girl, shes....shes pretty cool.
ok this thing is probably long enough but u get the point my reaction to things is getting better because the big picture is like nothing to cry over.
xoxoxoxxo
12:01 a.m. - 2012-11-19
less of an entry and more of a scream
pain pain pain pain pain
that's what ive felt this entire weekend.
i just posted this status on facebook and it says,
"sometimes you just have to give up on some people....not because you dont care, but because they dont"
i dont really wanna explain things in this entry i just wanna be random and let everything out.
i went crazy for a bit, and its just like, i went from happy to angry to depressed as fuckkkkk and its just...it was crazy.
i started going crazy. when i realized he wasnt going to talk to me again, that both of them....werent going to talk to me again. and then eventually, with the help of a few people i guess...
zach & isaih & ashley talking to me again, i dunno
i realized, why do i give a fuck.
these are two guys that i should not be caring about.
and they both hate me, for different reasons.
one hates me because i didnt have sex with him, or want to
the other hates me because i wanted to, and he tried to
i never deserved the hate from either of these. if anyone deserves hate, its both of them.
but im not going to give it to them. i cant keep letting myself get my high off of other people. because you NEVER know.
you never know who really cares and who will be there forever and who just wont.
so i guess the only thing to do is look out for number 1, because in the long run, thats allll you fucking have.
but oh, so much pain was felt this week. and they just let me suffer...
you just let me fucking suffer and you didnt even care. fuck you. who does that.you utter piece of shit.
im glad i learned or....forced myself....to not give a fuck. we'll see how that turns out.
i dont know, and like the whole sex thing... just ahhh. i have no idea whats going to happen to me, really.
but i suppose im done CARING about these two guys. to be serious, if either attempts to talk to me again, im just gonna tell them to go to hell.
that's all.
xo
7:53 p.m. - 2012-11-05
Sadness is overrated
Okay. So. Figured i should update.
Im on my ipod again, but fingers crossed ill be getting my laptop out friday.
We havent moved. Im starting to not care. Todays been kind of tough but i needed to le myself know that itll all be ok, im doing fine.
So...B. Iv come to realize hes a piece of shit, and i dont know what i was looking for. I want him to go away, but i feel like, as long as im hanging with nick, hell be around....and that scares me.
I know hes horrible, i know he doesnt care about me, and yet ... Some part of me, some subconscious part....wants to be with him, in every way. Like when his arms are around me it feels amazing. And i just.... I know im a feeler but im thinking rational. Im not gonna try anything with him again.
Sometimes i wish he were different; that he were good and could feel about me the way i felt about him. Its crazy, iv never fel so perfect with someone, and ofcourse, they have to have a gf, Along with being an all around penis.
I could feel all these emotions and go cry about them, for hours. But.....i cant. Im not going to let him get to me.
Im gonna focus all my energy into being okay and staying okay.
Im gonna make everyone whos ever hurt me.....regret it.
Hah ok this is getting too serious. Other thanthat iv been kay, voting days tomorrow. Ive been doing leg workouts, its totally working. Im becoming a yogie again.
Im glad i wrote this out, i already feel better. Anyways, the voice is on, gotta go watch that lovely thing. Xo
2:21 p.m. - 2012-10-24
Not Too Sure About Anything Anymore
Alot of shit has happened since the last entry. My life is starting to become some random, unpredictable thing that confuses and amazes me at the same time. In both good ways and bad....more bad.
Anyways, in the 22 days since the last entry, ive managed to....
develop a crazy crush on B only to have that terminated by a repeat night. Only it was different.
In a weird way, im kind of grateful that happened because it made me realize I didnt like D that much.
i felt HORRIBLE last night, horrible.
its just... i cant handle all his issues. its not what i want. we are two different people, andi dont appreciate getting ordered to do sexual things. nope.
and since im not doing that, that leaves me to the hopeless question.....
when and who am i gonna lose my virginity to. ahhh.
hey....tina fey didnt lose hers until sh e was 24. and look how she turned out.
i got 3 more years, eh?
im not too worried about sex to be serious. not too worried about it...
if anything B makes me nervous. i know i shouldnt be with him because duh, i cant.... but at the same time. i know for a fact, that... i cant say no to him, in a way? its weird. but im not gonna go out of my way to try anything or think about him, because that whole situation just screeeaaams trouble.
"dont get excited or anything, were just friends...."
felt like taking a bullet.
its weird that im writing all of this in Rs house sitting house. r/d/whatever.
I just.... i dont know. I hope things become clear soon. about whats going to happen to me.
with living, with a job, with a love interest....even school.its all utterly confusing to me at the moment. no clue what is going to happen.
hey, for once im not a depressed fuck in one of these.
2:35 a.m. - 2012-10-02
Optimistically pessimistic
Alright. Well. Ill try not to be fucking negative.
Anyways, im on my itouch right now. Because somehow, after that last entry 3 months ago...things have gotten worse.
Its october. Summers over. Ive managed to:
- break my laptop, shits been in the shop since like august.
- ruin things with R or D or wbatever the fck we call him bcus i wanted to be loved alone.... While realizing that i am as far away from that happening as ever.
- ruin things wiht that motherfucker tyrus because fuck him, and he is an asshole. I hope he dies tomorrow, fuck. WE COULDVE BEEN SOMETHING.
- ruin things with one of my best friends, nate. Just fuck everything about that. I thought we were gona be together and 2 days later, i am hurt into oblivion.
And the icing on the cake, no one wants me.....
Ive been being pretty strong. Thinking oh, if i focus on me..... Soon il be amazing & not thinking about anyone.
But the other night tipped me over the edge. Theres always gonna be some girl over me. Just writing those words makes me sickkk. Im fucking hurt by all this....im so hurt and i dont know what to do. Why ok? Just why. Im sick of being mad at life but when everything goes im just stuck w this feeling of raw utter hopelessness. Its terrifying.
If we werent moving in 10 days, im not sure where id be. Im trying to just be strong til then.
But i dont know anymore.
11:25 p.m. - 2012-07-08
Part 2 of let them come/summer bucketlist
Starting a new page voil� !
this is the same day/ a continuation of "let them come" kind of. this summer isn't over. & i cant let something as measly as this, something i have no control.... ruin everything for me.
none of this is my fault. & i shouldnt wanna kill myself over things that just aren't my fault.
Basically, what im thinking is one day i'll have EVERYTHING. at least everything i need. especially going back to maslow. one day ill have an apt or house & ill just be able to dance around, read my harry potter books, eat food i like and have money. and freedom. alot of which i dont have now.
one day.... unfortunately, not today, but what can i do. not much. like i said....i need to concentrate on other things. this doesnt HAVE to ruin my last month of summer, i won't let it.
there are a ton of things, which, in spite of this.... can still be done.
ill make a little list for myself, of what i wanna do:
-get a job. #1 because obviously, i need one. its what ive been trying to do this whole time. i just can't give up.
-start running again. i need to get to the Y or somehow, someway run a few times this summer. be lovely if it could be an everyday thing. i miss it so much...
-get something pierced. this ones random but its still something i wanna do. tongue, belly button, whatever. you can add tattoo to this list but thats kind of something i want at the end of this summer & not too sure of what yet...
-learn to swim. hey, this one should be huge. ive wanted to for forever & this not having a job/ things to do should make it easier than ever. & even if i do... its important.
-AH DUH get my license THIS SHOULD BE NUMBER FUCKING ONE why havent i done this yet. whatever. ill get it done.
all of these things on the list are accomplishable this summer.... im challenging myself to do them all. if i accomplish all of these things i will NOT be able to call this the worst summer of my life....it will be literally impossible. i need to drown out the memories of sadness with ones that actually matter.
oh, and theres this new guy, i like him alot. lets just call him R. super weird cause i never thought id be into him, but hes amazing. he makes me want to wake up in the morning....i honestly dont know how itll work it, but i can't wait for him to get home.
this has been efficient, off to live the rest of my summer now.
xo
