1:35 a.m. - 2013-12-03
WHY ARE GUYS SUCH DIRTBAGS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND
I REALLY dont wanna keep actual memory of the events that happened tonight. but....i can't let myself go through this again.
this zach guy you need to be done with him NOW. and not soon, now, like FUCKING NOW. i dont know why i attract terrible people? like, seriously just terrible fucking people?? like going straight to hell scheming asshole cheaters ridiculously terrible people. WHY.
like WHO THE FUCK is this terrible. i don't know what i was thinking. he will never want me, and he will never have me.
i can't have sex with him or do anything with him, not after this. i was never meant to.
if anything like fate exists, and my life has an actual purpose....he's not in it. he is honestly shit. just shit. nothing else.
NOTHING good is going to come from him with me. or him and me. we can never be a thing because he will NEVER respect me.
i'm actually still really upset about this......i feel hurt. betrayed. and he wasn't even mine.
but watching guys respect other girls and then treat you like shit.....it makes me realize how horribly i actually am treated. and that i LET this happen.
that first time i hungout with zach, maybe a normal girl wouldve said no. not kissed him. gone back to school and just said no. i should have.
i could be in a completely different place right now. he fucked me up.
i honestly hate him. and it hurts. its that painful hate, where you have a reason and its horrifying.
speaking of horrifying. i had an interview today, was pretty scary. but they were nice....not sure what's gona happen with that. i honestly thought it would be the worst part about my day until this shitstorm.
right. i should add some humor. on the bright side, im actually feeling horrible and crying over someone besides ...HIM. so thats a thing? yay?
yay ive got someone else to treat me like shit?
i honestly feel like an idiot. i can't believe i let him do this to me.....again.
i dont think i should ever say a single word to him again. he doesn't deserve it. he never will. i dont even know if there's anything he could DO....to regain my respect. he. is. shit.
it hurts. i had some kind of weird daydream where, since we have talked so long we MUST end up together. and no, he's just a scheming asshole.
i think i might be done with boys forever. i dont know if i could get another guy to like me. i don't think i want to.
10:35 p.m. - 2013-10-28
i'm soooo legit
you were the freak king of the party scene
all the girls thought they could compete but theyre really not...shit.
i don't get it.
she's looking like a man, and talking like a baby
how the fuck did she get your attention so easily
i don't get it. your taste once exquisite...
what happened to deep creek, what happened to true love?
what happened to my scene, what happened to punk rock?
you made me the feel like the queen of
everything babe
how the fuck would you go switch it up and then replace me?
I don't get it. I'm so legit.
Tell me was it cause i wasn't
straight as a ruler
That perhaps you thought you were a
little bit even cooler.
Kid...could that be it?
benjamin, you suck i know you think youre invincible
wish they could've seen you
when you dragged me off to god knows where.
she's hurt?
i know my words dont hurt her
oh GIRL,
i see you walkin round in your pearls,
thinking that you're number one
it's so funny,
cause honey, youre not.
what happened to deep creek
its not fun here
i thought i could do anything
because i felt safe here
but where?
no magic in the air.
what happened to deep creek,
what happened to our scene,
baby?
have you all gone fuckin crazy?
remember when....we used to feel so dangerous.
and we were born bad,
then i was sworn sad.
punk rock. punk rock.
the boys used to drink eachother in a race,
and girls were walkin round wasted
everyone had a good night,
come back when sunlight
punk rock...punk rock.
sometimes, vengeance wins?
ehh, all in good fun. have a laugh about this later, maybe.
1:30 a.m. - 2013-10-22
oh hello
ambition: a strong desire to do or achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.
At this point in my life tons of people probably think i have no ambition. that im just being lazy. the thing is, im not.
this whole staying here everyday, looking for a job while not being really qualified in anything.....sucks.
its not working. im getting out?
or trying, anyway.
It's weird that since dropping out i've done nothing but end up in the exact same spot i was a year ago. literally, exact.
except now ive had the chance to live in chesapeake again, and i wanted to. albeit a bit too late to....rescue anything.
and once i was there i couldnt get over everything just coming back to me because i was there again. all i did was come back, get involved in drama and let it take over my life for a year. i kind of wasted it.
In a way you could say that was good, because now i realize the REAL value of college? in a way. and i realize how ridiculously i need to separate myself from my parents. i didnt realize it but i've been on my own from the second i moved out of odu. it never changed. its still me, feigning for myself.
Anyways when i end up back in school, i hope it actually works. like it ends up nice. because i now know the value.....and maybe im a different person.
ANYWAYS, onto other less serious things.
this blind faith thing is working nicely. changed my hair, dont feel TOO shit about it, not really sure what im gonna do but im kinda glad i gave myself that push. there's no going back now, i have to actually do it.
oh, right this. well okay after the slightly devastating me turning into a slight clinger and zach totally ditching me, telling me he would never date me and all this lovely nonsense, after being upset youd think i'd still be thinking about it right? nope.
its kind of like....i wanted an answer, i wanted him to do something. and if he wasn't going to date me finally i needed to be DONE. like, NOW. and now i am, brava. we're done forever.
There's always the chance that he will text me in a week. which is what usually happens. but i finally can say i don't really give a shit or want to communicate with someone who says "i'll never date you"
like once i gave up on old friends, and giving up on him...its like, i feel better. i honestly do. i feel motivated in a weird way.
i don't know what my sudden vengeance for getting back to school is, other than the fact that i've realized if i do nothing i will literally live here roomless and broke FOREVER, but i know re-watching the entirety of Greek isn't helping. but it is amazing and makes me realize i want to meet those kind of people. THEY'RE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
also i feel like this is what people do when they move out for college, they figure shit out they don't just move in with their parents and say "oh well till i get a job" it doesn't work and you end up with no life.
so yeah, guess im gonna end up "figuring it out"
xoxoxox
12:46 a.m. - 2013-09-24
am i really 22 why is this a thing
i'm in a goofy mood right now and goofy moods are the best to write in, right? yes.
anyways, so after the failure that is us moving back here ive decided one thing that needs to stay in my life:
BLIND OPTIMISM.
even though this is happening i should just be happy about everything. i should keep my happiness. because this could go really bad really quick.
in other news....wait...there isn't really any. ehhh.
i dont know. blind faith is the answer. because you know what? who cares. who cares if we moved. who cares if im stuck here. whoooo careeeees. i don't have to be unhappy, unless i want to. and i wanna keep my sanity, at least for now.
this hasn't really been a good month. but who knows, something good could be happening. something good may have happened. who knows.
11:58pm - 2013-09-01
Dance til yer dead
Hellur
its ten mins til my birthday and im still 21. sigh, dont want to age. Dont want to get older. Why.
OH and I'm writing this on word basically il upload it when we get internet.
I wanted to write in here to just.....be in a good mood and kinda celebrate all the good? Things that happened at 21. I know, ha ha but there really are some.
For example, I got my first job. Like finally after years of searching? Even if I did quit it in like 2 seconds everyone was nice, getting into it was nice.
Got my license finally, I know, ridiculous that I waited so long. But that's nice too.
I know i've spent most of this year obsessing over things that aren't helping me at all.....
But really, I'm okay. And even if I'm not I should get people to believe that I am, which will help me think that I am.
I love how I spent my teens basically doing kind of nothing. (17, 18, 19) letting the years go by when they mattered and I should've been doing something.
For starters I really need to get back in school, it's really important. I realize that now. But I dont get why its so damn hard to get a cheap job, ugh.
Maybe I'll do some big things this year, who knows, this could be the year. It really could. It might not be the year full of mass success but maybe it'll be the year when I get back on track.
This whole doing nothing everyday is NOT working for me. Mentally, physically, and most important.....emotionally.
I feel like its so easy to get back on track. And I will. Even if it seems impossible. I'll think of something.
Euhhhh im gonna go listen to heads will roll for my last 3 mins, im such a kid stll.
xoxoxox
5:19 p.m. - 2013-08-23
bon
euhhhhh.
i could just sit here and complain about everything that's going on...but i wont.
basically. everything sucks but im trying not to be depressed about it. apparently i only get depressed at night these days.
pretty sure im just about done with facebook. like completely, it just depressed me and you know whos everywhere. hes everywhere and how am i ever supposed to get over anything when hes all over it. that and i have no friends. but whatever, fuck them.
ANYWAYS. lots of stuff going on. being the poor people we are, were moving out of my dream place. in the library right now since theres no internet/cable at the house and there hasnt been for like, days.
Also, got an interview at that security place...dont know if its a good idea....pretty sure i cant do security. but what would i look like to just ignore it? who knows, something could happen, nothing could happen.
most shockingly or maybe cutely, danny boy...wants to be my new fwb. so thats interesting. dont know what im going to do about that but idk it makes me feel nice so...yeah
im fine but yeah. i dont know about things. heres to hoping everythign goes good, i'll try to keep a positive attitude.
xoxoxo
11:24 p.m. - 2013-07-24
we get one step closer each and every day. AND WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT ON THE WAAY
Ive pretty much left this month alone for the simple fact that....nothing's really happened.
I kinda realized something today. Had boooone come over and spend the night and realized I pretty much had no life cause i never get to drive anywhere. Somewhere in this argument me and my mom had about the fact that she doesn't let me fucking take her car anywhere I kinda realized that...I can't do anything here.
Unlike some other people's parents...mine actually suck because they don't do anything. or she just doesn't allow anything. Most parents don't allow things until they hit a reasonable point where they REALIZE hey, i should start allowing things.
Mine just don't. It's like they don't care. something can literally drive me INSANE and she just doesn't care.
I feel like i'm losing my mind. First, I had Brad breakup with me pretty much for no reason at all so that was already annoying. But when you think about it no reason at all is kind of ridiculous. We were just wrong.
But now im alone again, ACTUALLY alone, friendless, don't have anyone. It sucks.
Like i realized i'm STUCK here. Pretty much, if I decide to do nothing....this is how things will stay. FOREVER.
my mom doesn't care about me succeeding/ not succeeding. in fact she's just like my grandmother....its ridiculous....
I've always felt like. oh, this is mostly my fault that im here, but theyll help, other people will help, people can move me in the right direction and today i realize that.....they will do nothing, as long as they can. I am never going to get anywhere in life, if im always here. and i have to get out of here myself. Like we are never going to travel. Were not going to discover things, and create and marvel and be anything better if were always here. I will never meet another boy and have fun and get to actually be with someone i like if im always here. i am STUCK HERE....FOREVER. unless i decide to do something about it.
other people's parents/family push them.....get them out there, help them out, move them in the right direction and i realized....mine don't. and what's worse, they won't. ever.
it took seeing my freakin cousin come over and realize how her parents are already pushing her and mine havent nudged me, ever. its like the worst thing to realize because for some reason, i always thought they were. its so scary to realize. its horrifying. because for YEARS now.... i've thought i wasn't in this alone. and im kind of realizing, i am doing this life thing, totally, completely, 100 percent alone.
I guess it's something that you have to realize though. That it's a good thing i realized. I don't get help like other people. I literally just have to figure it out. and i will. or i'll be doing this forever.
Like the quote I read when in the middle of my exteme depression, hoping, wishing for a way out....the quote that scared the ever-loving crap out of me but now i look back...fondly on it, seeing that it speaks the truth.
"You're going to have to save yourself."
11:18 p.m. - 2013-07-01
il just leave this here
hi hi, im just here to write a quote that i found in a magazine that i liked. all is well. not freaking out over here.
although it worries me that there's only 2 months left of me being 21. anyway:
"it's weird to say, but i think being nervous is actually a good thing. it shows that you're pushing boundaries and living life a little bit more daringly than you have before.
So use the last days of summer to write a new chapter for yourself. Step just outside of your comfort zone until you can feel the first tugs of nervousness.
You're pushing yourself to a whole new level of confidence when you see that what used to scare you....isn't so bad after all." <3
9:12 p.m. - 2013-06-26
optimisically pessimistic
ok so im going to seriously VENT now:
so its been awhile and the last few days have been SERIOUSLY painful for me because im hormonal and emotional as fuck.
like i just feel like everything's WRONG.
ive been wanting stupid shit like ok im just gonna come out and say it like ive been wanting dumb shit like ben back and like just mourning over it like it fucking happened yesterday because hes everywhere again and i just feel like a FAILURE. and then for some reason i thought oh, something can happen with mike by what, magic? no. i just....no.
its just that i have SUCH strong feelings about these things....and then they go to waste? what are my feelings for?
do they even mean anything? am i just not supposed to be happy?
like i dont fucking get anything, what am i supposed to do, i dont understannnnd i dont know how to get what i want like idk how.
i feel like other people dont deserve the shit that i want and they get it and like i GO CRAZY trying to get it and i get nothing but like broken hearts and pain. just pain, everywhere.
and it hurts so much.
i dont know what to do. i can't make magic happen. maybe i can, but i dunno.
i love how this entire thing has been about boys not wanting me technically when i have a bf of my own like god wtf.
speaking of that, i just dont know. at the beginning of this relationship i was unsure, but i felt overwhelmingly positive about it, now i dont fucking know.
i feel like its going NOWHERE, why are we together, we never have sex, were never goinnnnng to like thats what i feel and its just making me sad because like wtf i couldve done it with ben in literally a fuckign second like why why why and he doesnt help me out at alll like gahhhhhh im just so confused.
like WHAT CAN I DO TO JUST FEEL NORMAL. WHY does all this shit keep happening. like am i just not supposed to be with a person that im crazy about?
am i supposed to be constantly yearning for more?
i know im not supposed to be feeling as suicidal as i was last night, fucking hell. i didnt come all this way for nothing.
and then the worst part, i feel like even HE doesn't care. like im unsure about the relationship, yet he doesnt care either. i just feel like when im sad hes just like oh and when im horny its just like oh and when i wanna hangout it takes foreeeever to hangout.
i dont know what to fucking do, man. ughghghhghgh
i just wanna be happy and all that nonsense. in other news. i had a dream that it was my 22nd birthday and it was actually goood. and i lost my virginity to some guy that wasnt well anyone i know haha. it was weird. but oddly satisfying....then i woke up, and of course it's still june.
the only thing i can really tell myself is that....yeah, its still june. who knows how things will change in the future. i just have to be optimistic. i dont know what good or even bad things are going to happen. i just have to HOPE that theyre good....hope but not depend on it.....i hoped that my future would be good and so many good things happened, my animosity for everyone is even gone, well dimmed down at least.
i dont know, i just hope i can stay positive and things will get better. i can try<3
12:19 a.m. - 2013-06-02
For Luke<3
I dont know how to start this entry! its june. so. okay.
i just watched place beyond the pines so it has me thinking about fate and all that jazz, so i felt like writing in here.
so i quit my job like right after starting it. i miss being there but idk.
it just wasnt for me.
I feel like I do alot of things on instinct.....because i "feel" that they are right/wrong/whatever. still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. but whatever.
i feel like whatever keeps me happy, is whatever needs to be done. to an extent, anyway.
hey who knows, maybe fate is a thing. maybe certain things are supposed to happen and thats why we feel so strongly about them. who knows.
i still feel really positive about everything. its like im a different person. i feel like 100% of this is because of yknow, having my own space back but ya.
GOT MY LICENSE. FUCKING FINALLY. good lord. took forever.
i feel like even if bad things happen, my life is finally falling into place. even though i dont have my job anymore im not scared of looking for a new one. im not scared of the future. its great.
so this movie has me thinking about fate and the future and stuff and its like, life keeps going on when you die, and we all leave stuff behind. its like, what are you going to leave behind? i feel like i should be doing more.
its not like i have any kids or anything. i dont know what im trying to say. i just feel like there's something i should be doing. not sure what it is yet though, just a feeling. just feelings.
anyways, whatever happens, im pretty optimistic, this year has been fucking fantastic so far, literally matching spot on how terrible last year was and im gonna use it up to the fullest.
xo
9:23 p.m. - 2013-05-04
goodbye old, hello new
i think having a good personality really...changes things. because wow, those good vibes i got 2 months ago were completely correct.
First off....i finally got the job. and its in the greatest place ever. i really hope it works out, havent officially started yet, but im excited.
i feel like everything's finally falling into place.
ever since i moved.....things have been great. i live in the best place ever (well, compared to what i was doing. good god.) im finally at the place where i have internet and cable in my room and dont pay for any of it, like, what.
i have a boyfriend...yeah.....hes great.
im not sure if we rushed into it, but he makes me happy, so...
literally EVERYTHING has changed. in a month. april, you were phenomenal.
and its like...in march i had a feeling things were going to be good, and then......as if by magic, they were.
its like having a good outlook really DOES change things. its amazing.
anyways i had orientation today and now im just relaxing. bfs out drinking with his brother. i dont know whats going to happen in life, but i have a good feeling about it.
i just wanna lay down on the floor and laugh about all the good things that have happened. <3
1:45 a.m. - 2013-03-13
im on the brink of turning out okay, i can feel it
hello there.
don't really know why im writing, because there's not like a ton of crap to say.
i just kinda wanna put good vibes in here. because you need good vibes.
im emotional alot on my period and i kinda just noticed that hence the stuff i wrote last month around this time...im glad i noticed it.
but uh, here i am bleeding and not crying woah how did this happen its called self control.
and i mean there isn't really too much pain anymore. i used to just let the fact that i didn't have friends or people caring get to me, but who cares if people care?
I certainly do not.
If i learned anything from Midnight In Paris, which i love love love....it's that there's SO MUCH out there. there's always something. as lame as that sounds, it's true.
like, thinking about the fact that i was ready to kill myself over something/someone/ANYTHING that doesn't follow me around the world....that is restricted to this one state and this ONE little town...is just ridiculous.
i kind of have mixed feelings on hanging out with people/having friends in general now. its like, why. if anything's gonna cause that pain again, why? just avoid it altogether.
like if people are so much of assholes that you know it....don't do it.
anyways there's a possible chance that we might be getting a key to lovely cottagetrails tomorrow. ahhhicantwait.
if it even happens.
i tried to get a job at tropical smoothie. it kind of didn't work.....idk. maybe i'll call them again, idk. WHY IS THIS SHIT SO HARD.
anyways...yeah. hopefully its good. and uh, hopefully stuff works out. WE WILL SEE.
anyways im gonna go watch breaking bad, shows amazing.
byeeeeeeeeee
8:40 p.m. - 2013-02-21
You can eat and eat, but nothing will ever fill that void
hiiiiiiiiiiiye
so much (nothing) has happened since last time i wrote in here. i do feel a slight bit better. i was getting depressed about well, him as seen in the last entry. but today i kind of realized something.
i looked through our old msgs thinking about how he's the center of my world, and it really seemed like he didn't care. not like ohhh i should go kill myself now but i mean if he doesn't care, i shouldn't care. i've been treating this situation like if only SOMETHING different happened wed be together, blah. but he really is just not caring, like he didn't care. so why did i care???
me caring is dumb.
i should've realized he didn't care alot earlier. i think i did, but i'm just an idiot.
anyways ya, it'll probably hurt but i can't go ruining my life over it. with anything like crying or being suicidal or eating.
speaking of food, i've been in this mentality that i can finally lose weight. not really lose weight but... i feel like i'm going to stop eating shitty foods. like i MADE this decision, i actually made it. not sure when. but hoping i follow through with it, probably will seeing as i'm really not into most fast food anymore, im just not.
oh! before i forget. literally the #1 most cared about thing on my list right now is getting a damn job. like holy crap. i feel like once i get one, everything will just flowww better. might end up working at hardees eeeeeeh i feel like even if i do its something and i neeed SOMETHING.
but yeah, good luck to me with everything xoxooxoxo
11:58 p.m. - 2013-02-12
a short rant
fuck you just fuck everything you did to me.
you ruined me. i was okay. i was (close to) happy and nice and you ruined it.
i hate you and i wish i'd never met you and youre a fucking horrible person. i don't even know why I cry over you, why i LET myself cry over you.
YOURE A PIECE OF SHIT. that doesn't even deserve me. but i know i'll still cry over the fact that we're not together.
i hate her and i hate that it's her and not me and i hate that there's NOTHING fucking redeemable about her and shes not even cute and i got beaten by a piece of shit that isn't even nicer looking than me.
but shes skinny right? aha because being skinny fucking matteeeerrrrss, i was right all these years.
just fuck you and everything you've stood for. I never felt this way about anyone, and...thanks to god, or fate, or whatever fucking thing that is obviously against me and controls my life....thanks to that the first time i feel this way is with you. just mindblowingly awesome, and its with this horrible fucking person.
you can burn in hell for doing this to me.
10:56 a.m. - 2013-01-31
n/a
"every single decision we make....will be life or death. if we are going to survive this, you must realize...
that fear is not real.
it is a product of thoughts you create.
now do not misunderstand me, danger is very real. but fear...is a choice.
do you know where we are?
this is earth."
new year, new life.
