8:36 p.m. - 2014-11-25
look to the sky
so im kind of trying to come out of my shell.
work is pretty cool. i feel like i don't give myself enough credit when it comes to literally anything. i'm pretty awesome sometimes, and i should admit it. I need to start taking things for myself.
i'm basically Pam from the office when she runs across the coals.
i'm gonna change my availability for work and im not sure how its gonna work out. these 5ams are kind of getting to me and i'm sick of being an opener. i miss the afternoons. i don't know how its gonna work out, but i'm being positive about it.
ignoring the fact that the change is mostly to get away from my crazy (ish) boss.
BUT OK. now that i know im probably (definitely) not doing school next semester, i feel like im stuck here. 6 more months of possible full time barista-ing.
i miss school.
i also miss having a boyfriend
ok bye.
xo

10:24 p.m. - 2014-10-24
time to jump off that cliff
okay, not even sure what im trying to write in here.
i kind of have this problem....of where i can't open up to people, and like, flirt with people, and basically accept the fact that they like me or think im cool.
its literally the dumbest thing ever. but i also think, oh theres so much risk. the risk of losing everything keeps me from putting myself out there.
and just writing that makes me realize how stupid it is. i'm not going to "lose everything". Literally nothing that happens could possibly end up with me losing everything....its dramatic, far fetched and just not going to happen.
its kind of keeping me from having a life, this fear, these idiotic feelings, this not-knowing. but i dont need to know. i dont need to be safe, emotionally. i need to LET GO of being scared of what other people think of me.
the point is, all that matters is that the people that i care about know that i care about them. and if they choose to think other stuff, or anyone chooses to think ANYTHING negative of me.....then oh well. that is going to happen anyway. and part of me feels like writing this entry is just contributing to the overthinking so eff effff i'm done with feeling like this, whatever.

2:45 p.m. - 2014-09-19
now get this work
Somehow I managed to not write in here for the rest of the summer. But yeah. Things are looking up?
I can't believe how far ive come in that a couple of entries ago, I actually wanted to quit starbucks. what the hell. now im basically full time and becoming a pro, its the real deal.
i'm pretty sure im gonna be asking out someone i work with, which is simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating. it may or may not go anywhere which means i may look back on this in months and be like wtf was i thinking (ha ha) but yknow whatever, i'm trying to actually have a life.
today is payday and im bored and nothing is happening and its kinda blah.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M 23. good god, why. what has happened to me in life for me to be this old. barely anything. its embarrassing.
at least i have a job??? and can save money and stuff??? eh.
overall im in a good mood i can't complain, i feel like things can only go up from here? im hoping.
xo
edit: i COMPLETELY FORGOT to mention myrtle beach!!! it was just the best. i need to take more vacations. like, it was grand. i probably should've worked out more. but yknow, whatever. it probably helped me get over that idiot because like, i barely feel anything towards that situation now and it feels sooo good to not feel anything.

11:15 a.m. - 2014-07-21
Cannot Be Reconciled With Wisdom, Justice, and Love
why didnt i actually listen to the last entry though???? why?
i honestly should've stayed away from him. should've ditched him the moment he said i dont wanna date you.
im just so needy, man. so hopeful. TOO HOPEFUL.
like i just need to focus on myself for a bit now. maybe it'll help me stop being like that.
now, though i am suffering from crippling heartbreak of the only guy i ever really wanted, i need to talk about other stuff.
my parents suddenly think theyre the boss of me and think they can take the keys and drive the car and yknow, it was NICE, having that car, inheriting it. but yknow if i have to get a new one, i will and they better not fucking touch the keys when i do.
i'm having a feeling that triangl bikini is the last big purchase i'm gonna be able to make for awhiiile. i applied for a loan to help me get back in school. if some kind of miracle happens, maybe i can go back in august.
im just straight up ignoring this guy i met the other night, brandon's friend. sigh i mean idk what to say to him. i'm not trying to flirt with you right now dude, im emotionally damaged? i literally have cried a gallon of tears over another guy in the past 24 hrs, sorry i dont wanna hang?
i dont wanna date anyone, i dont wanna look at anyone, the next guy that tries to have sex with me is getting it, and by it i dont mean sex i mean death.
just....no. can't do it. literally can't.
if i need anything its FRIENDS. i need people to distract me, oh my god.
its been so ridiculously painful. i'm starting to think i have a problem with emotions. like maybe i feel too much.
on the plus side, im kind of relieved. its small, but yeah. i'm done trying to impress people. i can just do what i want. i dont have to worry about things. so yeah.
at least i can't say nothing at all happened being 22? at least i know now not to get involved with people that...aren't really in it for me. i know now not to get involved with anyone.
this may sound really depressing and yeah, im definitely depressed over it but theres still that bit of hope. like that bit of me that knows i will be okay and that this is a thing that is over.
that after years, i'm free.
edit: jesus fuck i forgot about the trip. 7days dude. hopefully im ok by then ha ha ha (i won't be) im still really excited about everything. that bikini needs to get here. soon, xo.

9:48 p.m. - 2014-07-11
positivity or
i could just say "hey i want to die idk what to do i can't deal w this" but im not. i guess.
i'm just gonna say this. you're not ready or at a place emotionally or otherwise to be serious with someone right now. you don't get a boyfriend at this point, no matter how good of a person you are.
you've still got alot more work to do.
when someone is head over heels for you, when someone confesses their love for you, when you have people at their knees.
then, you can have a boyfriend.
distraught emotions aside, there is a lot of stuff to do.
i'm almost 23, yknow. there's so much i have to do. i still don't feel like a real adult.
we're supposedly going on vacation soon.
after that, its crunch time, really.
i just hope i can keep my sanity.
edit:
so this is like a few days later edit and i just wanna make it clear that this is pretty much rejection. like there is no way around this at this point at all, like you could try to change his mind or hope to god he does but this is the lowest of the low. its not like he still wants anything u got close and he freaked out, he wants nothing, you didnt really do anything wrong.
so i mean feel what you feel i guess but you didnt do anything wrong, there is no other outcome, its pretty much just a cold, hard rejection. he knows how you feel he knew how you feel and until something changes, it is POINTLESS. to try to do anything about it.
xoxoxoxo

12:13 p.m. - 2014-06-27
I acutally do not know
alright, well fack. i duno what to say.
umm ok well things have been good i guess the bux moved to a new store and its all gooood.
so like i mightve ruined evertyhign with him. not seriously because he doesnt wanna date. supposedly. but we had this big fight and i feel like we were better off then and IDK im just scared. i want it back. i feel like we couldve just chilled and it wouldve been cooler and better.
but i guess i wasn't chilling i was freaking out. yeah.
idk im thniking of doing some things that are a real bad idea in my head. like, against everything ive spent a month going for.
terrible ideas, or good ideas? i honesty don't know.
maybe he just hates me now idk. idk idk idk. i guess im gonna find out i guess. I GUESS. tthis could all end badly and i could write it here crying tomorrow. or it could be swell. idk.
in other news that other asshole ive pretty much ditched now. like, completely ditched. like done. like i could care less what hes doing right now its so stupid.
other than that ehhhh idk.
OH RIGHT. mike favorited me thats cool right?? right???? i dont have a life.
i miss school ridiculously. i need more friends.
besides all of this i continue to be optimistic. good things will happen. i just have to believe they will.
xoxoxo

5:13 p.m. - 2014-05-30
life is weird
hi hi
decided to write in here because im actually really bored, but alot has happened since last time.
so i didnt quit starbucks. yay! but um they've cut my hours like alot so idk i better be getting more than like 8 hours in the future because otherwise i will be broke.
Anyways, more news, its crazy.
i'm kinda/sorta/in a way talking to HIM again. i know. ugh. what.
what what what. i guess i had a week to prepare for the utter shock right?
but i mean, he's pretty cool so far. the thing is, i dont even know what this is about. like at all. what's it about man. hes so confusing.
SO CONFUSING. i was gonna ask him to hangout today. but like does he even want to
if this happens, im glad im kinda/sorta talking to a guy i actually like.
can't believe im even talking about this.
i really want this library job because id make more than starbucks and working at a library seems so chill.
i've been in like really, ridiculously good moods lately. like, almost euphoric for no reason.
its great im either in a terrible mood or a great one. but euphoric moods are fun, it's nice to trick life into thinking you can do no wrong. even if things do go wrong. its fun.
spotify is cool. shades of c00l
can't believe it's gonna be June in two days. where'd the time gooo
May, you were supercool.
But i have a feeling June is going to be a litttleee bit better.
if i may even be so confident.
i am sometimes.
xoxoxo
edit: i wanna dedicate this to biz. rip you were super cool. like an inspiration or something that i'll never forget. heres to you biz<3

7:28 p.m. - 2014-04-30
Done with the Negativity
holaaa
basically i got the job yeyyy i have a job im a working individual. but the thing is i actually came here to complain about it and talk about how much i hate it.
I've thought about quitting for another job and thought about how it just wasn't for me.
The thing is, I re-read the last entry and, ANY job is better than nothing.
I did feel slightly overworked and like I shouldn't be there, and just hating everything. But...maybe I shouldn't feel like that. Maybe I should stick it out. It is STARBUCKS. Like maybe i'll get used to it, and it will be fine. We will see.
I can't let a few negative parts of a job turn me into a non-working individual.
Here's the thing. If it absolutely sucks and works me to death and I'm just dying, I'll look for a new job. I'm definitely not gonna quit. WITHOUT another job. I'll be abused for money. Because I need it.
In other news, I drive now! To work and various places. So yay. That's fun right? Can't wait til I get my first paycheck but i've been too stressed lately to even think about it...
im just gonna try to keep that positivity going. It's helped me A TON so far, so i'm excited to see where else it would go. Glad I can keep going in a positive direction with this.
Good luck to me!

9:55 p.m. - 2014-03-28
Cross your Fingers xx
ugh, so im stressed out. nervous or whatever.
i've had a pretty positive attitude about everything recently, but i guess highs come with lows.
why im worn out: i've basically had four, technically five interviews this month. Two this week, back to back, subway and starbucks. Thought i was kind of a shoe-in at both these interviews, hope I am.
i feel like the bux is where I belong, and if i don't get this one then i will probably have subway to fall back on.
But i feel like if i DONT get this one, then what the fuck because I'm basically the perfect person for it.
They're supposed to be calling me regardless......but still.
I shouldn't be so upset about this. Half of me wants to scream and pull my hair out and the other half is just like...dude, this is normal. you are fine. and you have free time to sleep while you wait to see what happens.
I think the real issue is my brain can't accept not knowing. And just the fact that how am i gonna make new friends or do ANYTHING if i don't have a job. And the fact that I keep telling people about my fucking interviews, what am I gonna look like if I never get anything! At the same time just one job, even one shitty job....If I can stay there, it'll help me so much. I just need to be doing something.
Then again if I AM getting the job and I have proven to be an actual good fit then holy shit, go me. Even if it is the worst thing ever, it's better than nothing. I'd rather have people yell at me all day than wither away into an experienceless nothing. But at the same time I have open availability, how can they NOT hire me. They have to remember me....
Believe it or not, this whole job thing is only HALF my nervousness. I've tried to be super positive and I've kind of turned into this weirdly positive, happy person. But at the same time, with every good thought there are more at the bad end of the spectrum every time i fail.
I find the only cure for this is just being super laid back, and chill. Not letting many things matter, having a good day because of small things.
This gets ruined on days like these where I have very good job interviews where the outcome will basically change my life. It is EVERYTHING I have to start being laid-back.
There's more. That guy i like, lets just call him bw. He's super cool, but maybe he doesn't like me at all. Maybe he's scared of hanging out, maybe he has a gf. I literally have no clue. I just have to not care too much, and roll along. again. Z hasn't really talked to me, and I put him in my why-did-i-tell-you-i-had-an-interview pile, but it's already kind of easy to not care too much with him.
All I can do is listen to Lorde, maybe do some Pilates (which I started doing like a week ago, amazing) and just try not to worry to much. Maybe watch Enter the Void again? It'll probably be just as weird the 2nd time around but I can't stop thinking about it.
xoxoxo

1:01 p.m. - 2014-03-16
Despite Everything; It's An Improvement
Hi there
It's march and well. yeah its march.
my interview count is getting bigger and bigger and my job count sticks at zero.
Blind positivity, right?
Anyways, I find myself in this dumb situation and its just like. Why did i do this. We all know z is a piece of shit and yet I'm defending him in my other entry.
The thing is, hes fine when he's a normal person. Then he decides to go all hitler on me after we actually hangout, like he's trying to prove something. Like he's trying to prove that i'm not his gf. And I had to actually make that a point today. I had to actually say, hey, I know im not your girlfriend you dont have to be mean. I actually. had. to say that.
I mean its whatever (its not) I guess im fine (im not. he stopped talking to me because we hungout. becAUSE hes a little punk coward bitch asshole.)
I just can't stand this type of shit and I don't want it for myself. He's just mean. And i mean whether i keep talking to him or not I want myself to know that I should not be putting up with this stuff.
But okay. Other than that, and REALLY other than that. Things HAVE been positive.
I need to start working out more, were supposedly going to the Y. so that's a thing.ehhh. i'm in a good mood OVERALL. Hanging out with that guy i met tonight hopefully its good...not sure maybe it wont be. I dont know. Anyways I am being positive and stuff, xoxo
oh btw attack on titan is so legit

10:05 p.m. - 2014-02-27
My Hair Is Dripping and It's Annoying
bleuuuurrrghh.
why do i live here why. i am sick of this room. it gets on my last fricken nerve.
at the same time, i can't be mad....i've gotta change things myself.
a few things have happened recently:
-mom got laid off
-she got a new car so i can KINDA drive the red car...eh...idk if theyre gonna give it away but im applying to jobs like i have a car, so yeah.
-i met a new guy at bevs....is this really relevant? i don't know. i hope so. he's really nice and sweet.
that's about it for the past i dont know, twenty days.
right now im deep conditioning my hair and im getting ready to watch stoker again so thats cool. but i still have to share this darned room.
i feel like i should just spend all night job searching, and all day. all the time, until i get one.
but i dont wanna end up with another random job that i hate. but whatever.
we will see, we will see. here's to the next twenty days.

11:31 p.m. - 2014-02-03
boring
bonjour
BLAH decided to write in here to get myself out of this mood....
not that im in a bad mood or anything ive been pretty okay. it's just i can only take so much of the same stuff. especially when its THIS stuff.
like i have this general feeling of optimism, and positivity and that everything is going to be okay.
but at the same time, things are the same and its annoying. frustrating when i have to keep living here.
its like im really pissed about this whole job/school/failure thing, but im not sure if im putting enough effort into it as i should be. i feel like i need to go out and look for things with my physical self, and maybe that will help.
oh and this car thing might be happening soon HOPE TO ALL FUCK that it does.
its like there's this big pointless cloud hovering above me, because im doing nothing and im accomplishing nothing. but at the same time that opens up endless possibilities for my positive side because....anything good could happen and start clearing everything.
also im just gah. who knows whats gonna happen with z idk and i care, but TO AN EXTENT. blah
oh yeah, i got all flabbergasted last time i wrote when i saw that some of you weirdos favorited me and realized some people actually read this thing. so if you're reading this right now, hey! congratulations on making it this far. i promise i'm not nearly as crazy as my entries make me seem.
anymore
so yeah. things are boring, maybe they'll get better. i feel like i'm meant for better than this. if im actually meant to be here, something else's gotta come into my life eventualy.
ciao
xo

8:16 p.m. - 2014-01-13
My Life Feels Like A Pierce The Veil Song
so basically. i had an entry here, i deleted it. it was about hating z and basically realizing he sucks and cutting him out of my life. but im not. i'm really not. i want him in my life forever. idc if we're nothing or if we suck romantically, even if its just as friends. he means alot to me. i hate how i spent my entire life thinking everything is just black and white, good or bad, like you have to love someone or hate someone, be in love with them, or kick them out of your life. it doesn't have to be like that. and it feels alot better when its not. i just can't let my emotions get so involved. i dont care what happens, im happy he talks to me and cares and stuff. because i need that. <3

previous - next