9:33 p.m. - 2015-10-20
all i want is my fair shaaaaaaare
i dont know how i feel about anything.
basically my life is a joke. like ive said before. its legitimately a joke.
i guess months ago i decided oh i can somehow get back together with my ex who i miss??? and was totally crazy but lets ignore that?? what the fuc?
anyways, my life is pure drama. its just like....why cant i have something and be mellow. and just chill. and just be happy. is that EVER going to happen. its just like...why.
im sorry, this might be the four loko talking.
but yeah, i could toootally marry a guy who jokes about fucking 38 year olds and drinks while driving. toootally. what was i thinking.
then again, its like i tried to not get too attached.
and this whole thing with nick, like wtf dude i dont even know whats happening u have a gf.
like, youre in a relationship. this us getting together thing sounds nice but like when.
i just feel super foreveralone. and like no one gets me. and no one ever will.
thats dramatic, but whatever i have homework to do. something that actually matters to me.
i mean this rationally. its not just my emotions. i wanna be happy. i wanna have a chill life. i want decent friends. why is it so hard. why does it affect me so negatively to be serious about things?
xo
2:34 p.m. - 2015-09-06
IDGAF about you, chesapeake square
this entry brought to you by idfwu by big sean and its the only big sean song im ever going to know so.
I don't even want to attempt to explain everything that's happened since neil. egh.
I thought I could fulfill something by getting his best friend? at the time? obviously not.
Thinking about cutting off my friendship with a certain someone why? irrational jealousy? annoyance? I say its because I don't like her personality and never did, but maybe its more because shes a thirsty attention seeker and that's just my least favorite thing ever.
I'm starting to get so sick of our store. chesapeake square, why. why can't you be something positive to me. its like, nothing works. I can't have what I want. I can't even be satisfied for a short period of time. and fuck you nick. what kind of person are you. go back to your girlfriend and your st.louis and all of your shit. im so over all of this. I can't believe I was thinking we could be anything?
I'm being shipped off to suffolk for a week. And im freaking glad. fuck these people. I promise I didn't come here just to write this.
But yeah, I don't see this ending well. I don't see this ending well at all, because a nerve has been struck. I didn't realize I had this inside me but I'm pissed. I deserve more. I don't know why no one has any actual respect for me, but I deserve it. I can't have anything, can I? Like I legitimately don't care anymore.
11:30 p.m. - 2015-07-07
weird stuff
tonight was weird. i dont know how im supposed to feel about anything that just occurred.
in a bittersweet way, i was kind of right about.....n. ns? is that what im gonna call him.
so we hungout a week ago and weve been talking and i feel like were dating but not at the same time....i feel like i thought we were dating and now i dont. i dont know how to feel, but. i want him.
on the other end of the coin is just....weird stuff thats happening. that i shouldnt pay any attention to, whatsoever. because i want n. so why am i paying attention to that stuff.
the problem is, im not totally sure he wants me. i think he does, but im not sure. and i HATE that im not sure.
i just feel like when i was sleeping in his arms, i felt like he really fucking cared about me. why can't i feel that when were anywhere else. or when were just texting. or any other time.
its just, i wanna have sex im fkn sick of waiting like fuckkfuckfuck im going to go crazy.
sex aside, im just really serious about him. WHO CARES if anyone knows were dating. i fucking believe in us. i see a future with him. ugh.
school is officially a thing that's most likely going to be happening. im stoked. terrified. stoked.
brought to you by perturbator, sexualizer, sexual stimulant that you are.
9:46 p.m. - 2015-05-21
When youre drunk and perturbator is on
I love alcohol.
Its just one big emotional pain-number.
I'm not gonna say last entry was dramatic. It's been a weird few months.
I kinda need to come in here and say this because it's something i can barely admit to myself.
I'm not sure...if i can work at a place where I have this strong of a thing for someone else who works there. and i have to admit this because i feel like staying at this job is just me pretending i dont have a thing for him, and trying to hide my feelings and be emotionless when i am like, the opposite of emotionless.
its just that there's something in me that knows that he's into me. that just fucking knows.
maybe that's the thing. i need to accept full ownership of liking him. i FEEL the full effects, but try to ignore it in the real world. if i just let it be then maybe i'll know what to do.
so i might be going back to school as a cs major and i am superstoked to make that happen because...ya.
pretty sure my hair is falling out, dont know if its damaged or if its stress, or the loneliness has finally taken its toll.
i dont mean any of this in a negative way. im all drunk, warm positivity. these are just some things that are on my mind. some things to think about.
oh. ben blocked me on facebook? not sure if its relevant or not. thought it was interesting. who blocks someone a year later? its weird. im gonna watch some crappy netflix before i go to sleep.
xo
6:39 p.m. - 2015-05-10
first tidal wave of 2015
It's been what, six months since I said I would change my availability. I feel like alot's happened but alot hasn't happened.
I dont want this entry to be a big painful thing. but i am quite pained at the moment if i can be honest.
When was it that I said I would ask him out? September? and it took me what 4 or 5 months for me to tell him i liked him? and to hangout with him more? and for the slow painful work abuse and rejection to happen?
is this the sixth and final month. i'm starting to not care. the only thing that i should care about is that he doesnt wanna be friends with me. and who knows why. for reasons. and i mean that may hurt alot but....i cant let myself care too much about it. its like okay, he may or may not hate me. im doing the best i can as a person here.
i cant let drama get to me. or participate in it. i just have to be a good person......and good things will happen to me....eventually.
and if not, then i should just kill myself.
