11:50 p.m. - 2016-12-31
New years eveeeeeeeee
Hola,
it's ten minutes til the new year and i'm hanging out in my room deep thinking about everything i've accomplished in the past 12 months. On one hand, i'm not totally dissatisfied. I've dated a TON this year. That's kind of the depressing part. Flying through a million guys. Honestly, its making me wana reactivate my tinder. It's like, I feel like I'm wasting so much time alone, when I could be with someone.
School definitely wasn't that great this year, but I can help that. This upcoming semester is GOING to be better, I'm an adult and I can do better.
A lot of weird things happened this year, like k. I don't even know what to expect from that. Or if its even worth writing about. Or if it just means that I'm insane. Or desperate.
Maybe I just need to ask more guys out. I don't know.
I feel like my confidence has improved a little this year. Just a little. I really just want a relationship, it's just been way too long. I wanna do decent in school, I want a better job. But I mostly just dont want loneliness.
I don't know, I'm not upset with myself. I achieved a couple goals that I wanted to achieve. I'm not unhappy. So i'll try to keep it that way.
12:42 a.m. - 2016-12-02
Highly Confused about What to do Next
Suprisingly, i did not do what i said i needed to in below entry. Its december 2nd, and im ridiculously behind in my school work that i could be doing now, instead i am choosing to write in here about males, yet again.
Okay. so. I just wanna document this in case it goes good or bad, or either way. I'm talking to this guy matt. we can say his name. it is so confusing. i have no idea if he likes me or not and we've been on two "dates."
I'm honestly over dating and almost everyone i know slides into a relationship so easily, i'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with me.
It happened quite often before now, i had a boyfriend (however ridiculous) in high school, i had 2 really close after hs and at the beginning of college and me dropping out. Yet now... it's impossible. and ive gone on how many dates?
I'm just thinking about how random it was, all my relationships before. In high school, just being a friend of a friend that followed me around and happened to hangout afterschool.
In college, just randomly moving my seat. I feel like all that stuff was bound to happen at the same time though, it wasn't random. I didn't truly have control over those situations. So its like... maybe I should just stop trying to have control.
I dont know. I feel like eventually someone will come along and think that i'm cool and i just have to wait. Idk.
Honestly, I need more adult friends. I find myself spending too much time around younger people and then i feel down about not being younger with a relationship. But its like... there are more single adults out there, i just need to find them. xo
11:56 a.m. - 2016-10-11
is around this time when people decide to go gay
current mood: as;lkdfjasldkfj
why can't i ever write in here when anything positive is happening, i feel like this is all my negative thoughts smashed into one place.
but its not true, im positive sometimes.... at least i was.
since my birthday, i have managed to run through about a million guys and crushes and honestly the amount is staggering and my most recent heartbreak, if you can even call it that has me pretty depressed. like i can only get rejected by so many people before i just start losing it.
but its like, this is what i wanted right? i didnt wanna be alone all the time, right? id rather date a ton of guys and get rejected over and over again than just like one guy and get rejected once? or just never get a chance....
i honestly didn't know how tiring it would be. its SO tiring. its like i dont even have time for a boyfriend with school and work right now, yet i feel like im WASTING my youth not having one. i don't know.
and like i need one im literally dying its been like threeee yeaaaaaarrrrrrsss.
i dont even know what to do morally anymore, its like i tried really hard to be a classy individual but everythings overlapping one another and its like are you going to make something happen or be alone forever?
i dont really know what to do, but i mean whatever there's no reason for me to be depressed.
i have the potential to do really really good this semester and ive been letting boys get to me.
so i just have to stay on track and just be positive as cheesy as that sounds.
so yeah.
xo
1:08 a.m. - 2016-03-22
intoxicated and aroused
im a little too drunk to make coherent entries right now, but oh well here goes.
i just got home from big woodys, and i have a lot on my mind. i should be studying for chem, but again, drunk.
i want things that i shouldnt want right now.
i kind of decided that i'm going to live a life of sin, and that's okay. if me smoking a cig and drinking makes me an awful truly terrible sinner, why not open it up and do other things?
i've already broken some of these rules, done some things that in retrospect will disgust me. will i look back on that whole nick thing positively? i don't think so.
in fact, its probably one of the most negative relationships or kind of relationships... that ive had.
why is it that full grown men can't see that i'm a good person or worth anything, yet teenagers can and other women my age can.
i'm truly deprived. all i want is intimacy.
it's all i want. all i've ever wanted.
are crushes even real? or is it just you wanting to be close, very close, to another person?
haha, i'm a hot mess. i dont know. and whats worse, i dont care.
but im trying to be positive at least.
xo
12:08 a.m. - 2016-02-17
Shhh it'll be fine
Hi, hello. Just writing in here to put a new perspective on and let anyone know that that entry below is completely, totally untrue.
I've been feeling pretty down lately and yes, I have kind of reached a new stress-low, and I can't really juggle everything that's happening.
My car is pretty much screwed. It's kind of terrifying, feel like im facing death.
My relationship status is as forever-alone as it is going to be ever.
I'm extremely behind in schoolwork, and I am probably not going to be able to make it to this network marketing thing I said I'd go to tomorrow.
I popped adderall so I might be up for awhile to study for my test.
But in a weird way, I'm feeling really positive. It's nice to know youre completely alone with not even your parents to help you. because its like..... youre going to figure stuff out.
Even if you drop out, get a new car and just say fuck it to half the stuff youre doing, YOU did that. that's you. like you made a choice, and youre gonna keep it going.
you're in this alone, and that sucks, but its like oh well. now i know how the rest of life is going to be.
I just read a fb post where one of my cousins is going to visit me at the store. and its like, in a weird way im jealous of their.... independence ? its like why am i still relying on people and theyre totally independent? why cant that be me?
Even if I'm struggling. Like, super struggling. I want to be independent. I want to make my own decisions and to do what I want, work where I want, go where I want.
I mean, I'm 24. I didn't go 24 whole years to just be a big kid forever.
Gonna have to make some big decisions the next 24 hours, and I'm pretty unsure about what I want to do. But just the fact that I'm making the decisions is somewhat comforting.
It will be okay and I'll make sure of it.
That being said, back to the guy thing. Man, there are SO many other guys out there. and yeah, I'll have to put up with him at work and I'll have to put up with his gf and other girls and irrational fear. But it's like, hes not important to me.... If he wants to be, he can be. But he doesn't. and that is fine.
There are SO many other guys out there. And I haven't gotten to them yet, and that's fine.
In a weird way, all of these people living with their gfs/bfs, in a way I have more independence than they do. I control what I do.
Where I go. (Obviously not work but other things).
Autonomy is nice. And remember when I was doing nothing? Begging for a job? Having nothing to do at all but stare at the ceiling and be heartbroken? Man, I do not miss that.
Assuming I make it through the next few days/weeks/months, the rest of my life will be a cakewalk.
xo
10:34 a.m. - 2016-01-26
is this my life
Something is wrong with me. It is 10:35 am, I have a large amount of schoolwork today and work to attend later, and im laying here crying about the most useless things. I have important things to do and all I can think about is whether or not a guy with a girlfriend is thinking about me. What is wrong with me. How did this happen? I was never this attached before. Am I stupid? I have no ownership over him whatsoever. Nothing. And yet I'm so distraught that I can't spend every waking moment near him. Yes, because I need to have sole ownership over a guy who flirts with everyone AND has a girlfriend. That he actually fights extremely hard to stay with and is extremely proud of his relationship, despite what he tells others. Last semester I let dumbass emotional turmoil related shit ruin my classes.
Its like. He doesn't run my life. I have no power over him. He literally wakes up and goes to bed with another girl, every night and im worried about OTHER shit. Like, what is wrong with me. I feel mentally ill.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have done anything. But it is what it is what it is. You knew that. No one ever promised to drop everything for you. That's the only time you should ever be feeling this emotionally invested in someone. When they agree to drop everything (or something) for you.
I'm going to actually do homework and stop worrying about how emotionally invested in everything i am.
Does this really have to be my first post of 2016. There could be so much more happening.
xo
