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12:25 p.m. - 2019-12-31
What even were the teens
Adding this from my phone at work cause I wanted to do a New Year’s Eve post. Trying to decide what resolutions I should be going for this year, and there are a few.
I do want to avoid conflict a little less and start being more outspoken about things I don’t like. Rn I’m on a “fast” inspired by our roommate, wearing my hair inspired by people’s opinions, and... probably much more. I’m going to start saying yes and no.
That being said, I kind of like wearing my hair natural. While I do think it’s extremely unattractive, there’s something nice about not looking fake. It’s only been a month so hopefully I’ll get a little better at this.
I feel a sense that a lot could happen next year? Like... could. Maybe, maybe not. It could all go wrong. I don’t know.
I’m happy about this job. I do like it. The people are kind of annoying sometimes but it’s mostly positive. It’s extremely easy, knocking on wood.
I want to be healthier. Maybe not just fast, have a lifestyle change. Make better groceries. Not just restrict myself. Definitely stop eating out so much. Stop the laziness. Idk. A lot could happen this year and my “Voice” definitely needs improvement. I have to start using it.
My goals for this decade are to succeed at my place of employment, have a career, have a successful marriage, travel, have a house? Kid? Be happy and not die. Lol. Mostly that’s it.

9:51 a.m. - 2019-12-04
Stress relief
I’m mildly happier than I was a few weeks ago. I feel ok. The job is coming along. Loads better than my last. Much more flexible.
I’ve stopped stressing out completely about my future. After some mild bullying, I have started wearing my hair natural. I kind of hate it. Not sure what I want to do with it. But idk, some part of me likes it. We’ll see.
Oh, somehow in the past year I’ve gained 40 pounds. I can definitely see it now. Trying to be healthier and gym much more often. Also kinda need to get to a doc. Hopefully that happens soon.
Umm, it’s the holidays and it kinda feels like them, kinda doesn’t.
I’m not totally unhappy though, I feel like I’m going in a positive direction with my life. I need to just relax, take care of what I need to and enjoy my time.

2:14 p.m. - 2019-11-18
Sweet I thought I wouldn’t be able to add another entry. Mild panic. But I guess I’m making progress?
I got a job offer around the end of September? It’s more money than anthem and a more flexible schedule... I can’t complain. Truly, I should be happy.
Yet for some reason there’s a million things I feel bad about. like wanting to move. I still feel inadequate compared to Ben. Idk why.
I feel like he has 40,000 friends and it’s annoying because I have 1. I can’t tell if it’s annoying because I want more, or want him to have less.
The job isn’t giving me much direction so far but it seems easy (ish). I just have to not screw this up.
Don’t really have much to say, other than I have a job and am now a functional member of society again. Xo

2:58 p.m. - 2019-09-05
My professional life as I knew it is pretty much over.
It's been 3 months since I was "laid off" by the scam artists known as Legerity. After 2 or 3 vacations, I'm finally getting some responses to my applications.
I "don't have enough experience" to do testing. Or programming. Or anything that I've wasted my time trying to do for the last 3 years. Not even tech support, apparently.

I wonder if I actually had a degree, if I would be able to get a job then. I'm starting to think it wouldn't even matter and that I'm just cursed. I feel as if I've done something bad in a previous life and am just getting punished for it in this life.
>>>i love my boyfriend. an insert from ben.
It's true, I do. He is really sweet and nice. Living together is not that bad. However, I feel fairly inadequate because of this job thing. Sometimes I feel as if he resents me. I do not!

I keep trying to tell myself that I got laid off for a "greater good". That something better is coming my way. But I'm starting to not believe this anymore. It makes no sense that these lazy people putting in barely any effort, were allowed to stay at that job and I'm not. I had the highest score in that stupid class. It's like no matter what I do, it's pointless. As if the world is telling me I "belong" in shitty customer service jobs. I have no idea if I should go back to school or give up looking into these jobs, and just find something different that I want to do. At 28. On the plus side, my birthday was nice.IT WAS VERY GOOD THANKS TO MY BOYFRIEND WHO LOVES ME VERY MUCH.

Hopefully, by my next entry I'll have made some progress.


12:30 p.m. - 2019-05-30
Feels Wrong but is Probably Legal

I took 2 days off and am now fired / laid off / whatever, probably because this hoe who I've been stuck against in this team, missed too many days. Sucks!
And this contract that I'm in? Pointless! A waste! These people are hacks? Frauds?
I am extremely pissed. I also feel very lame for not keeping secure employment.
I'm gonna go to Rochester for 2 weeks with Ben. Maybe it'll help, maybe not. I like Rochester.
Maybe I shouldn't be so upset because I did kind of hate this job when I got switched over. But I did learn to like it after some time. and it was pretty easy.
Not sure if today or tomorrow is my last day, don't really care at this point but I am really not in the mood to job search like I did last time. I've also promised him that I won't work any "lame" jobs while I am looking.
We were told almost 2 weeks early that we were getting fired, which is definitely something I hate and do not ever want to experience again. It makes it feel like you're just trapped in a place that doesn't want you.
However, I will not miss this place and their awful communication methods. And everyone speaking indian all the time. No thanks. Can't wait to go somewhere else, I'm just nervous about the process of landing another job.
I still get to go to Rochester, and vacation at the end of August, without worrying about these people anymore. So that's a plus.
I'm going to try to stay positive and not let everything else get to me.

11:22 a.m. - 2019-05-15
Some Updates / Mood Changes
I'm bored at work so I figured I'd write a positive entry for once. It's Wednesday but the last day of the week for me, because me and B are going to hyperfest and having a 4 day weekend. Exciting!
It's crazy, I've had a boyfriend for 6 months? Insanity.
Anyways, he's super nice. Makes me feel great. I basically live at his house. The only issue is that sometimes he is more into his friends than me. Idk. I'm trying to talk to them more. It's hard, because I don't really see anyone or have the massive support system that I used to have when I worked at the bux.
But this job is OK. It's a mess, and obviously isn't functional. But I feel like as long as I seem like I'm working hard and just keep asking questions even if I'm doing a bad job, it'll be fine. I want to save up money and get a house, or just any other space to live. But i want it to be my own.
I do really love B. I find our relationship really rewarding when I am stressed. My family likes him. He's "the one that got away" or whatever and I finally have him. I trust him. I love travelling together. It feels good.
In other news, my hair is growing and I have no clue what to do with it. I kinda want to get braids. I kinda wanna straighten it, or get a weave. But I know that will destroy it and / or make me lazy when it comes to dealing with my hair. I want to sustain and nourish it, so that it will keep growing and I will look natural. I'll figure it out before myrtle in August.
Anyways, back to work.

11:27 a.m. - 2019-04-22
2019 Begins
Oh, how things change.
I'm writing this from my new job, the one I went through all that unpaid training for. Only it's not really the same as my new job. It's completely different than what I was promised or even mildly interested in.
I am getting sent to do a bunch of things I'm confused about and don't understand. I was learning a little about testing and getting the hang of it, but now idk what I'm doing.
I wish I hadn't signed a year long contract with these people. At the same time I'm making money, having fun with B and genuinely a little bit happier than I was, maybe.
I don't want to go back to not having any money. But I also feel "duped" into this position, something I have no interest in doing and it keeps steering farther and farther away from being anything tech related. That part is annoying. That part is what makes me think I will not be able to do this for another 9 or 10 months.
Then again, I could be in a whole new different position by then. Then again, I really don't wanna switch positions several different times. I'm over it.
Maybe I'm just being stuck up. I'm getting paid. I should just deal with whatever. But I want to feel confident about what I'm doing, at least mildly. It's all too confusing and unstable.
I wish I had a sense of security, and I do not. I don't want to get fired but at the same time I would not care, the stress is getting to me and if I make a mistake, oh well, this environment breeds mistakes.
Here's to hoping things get a little better.


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