10:25 p.m. - 2021-09-01
29
It’s my last 2 hours of this decade.. of my life?
While the last few entries have been bleak, I feel somewhat content. In a few months I feel like I have managed to make quite a bit of progress to get out of that rut I was in. I’m still not 100%, but I’m more confident in making decisions no matter what the consequences are.
Haven’t lost all my weight (or barely any) but making some small progress and going to continue to push myself more.
Doing things I want to do again, not just things he wants to do.
Life is montonous… sometimes I wonder if I’m disappointed with that or the actual content of my life. There are things I do miss and am not settling on for the future.
I feel like I care about how I look in a way I didn’t realize I did, but now I know how important it is to me. To not just feel good but be proud of taking care of myself, something I haven’t been doing. I miss it and I will get back to it.
Things I like to do are for me, and my friends are my friends. And there’s no debating. I want to keep people in my life long term, if that’s possible.
I have ambition. I want a career. I have interests that aren’t being fulfilled and as I get older I want to fulfill them the best I can and not let myself down.
Do I want kids? Marriage? I feel blurry. A year ago I felt like I was so close and now I’m seeing.. I could have it but it’s not that simple? And kids are a giant commitment when I feel like I’m just now starting my life. I want to promise myself that I will do what I want going forward and not waste time.
I feel like my 20s were pure confusion and stumbling. Not knowing what I should do, being mildly ambitious, falling into things, not being confident.
I liked mid-late 20s though. Fun times. Finding what I liked. My only long term relationship. Finding my personality.
I feel at a much higher state going into 30 than I was. And I’d like to only go up from here.
Xo
8:59 p.m. - 2021-06-25
Things I Want
Things I want at this moment:
- a large blunt
- to have friends again
- to be somewhere else
- to be dating someone else
- or just not dating
- I don’t know
- to just be able to relax and be myself
- to be able to be honest with my opinions and not scared of how the person I’m with is going to react
- to look attractive again
- to feel attractive again
- to be better, like I used to be.
Xo
2:48 p.m. - 2021-04-09
Glass half empty
That last entry was... fairly optimistic.
I haven't been being completely honest maybe because I don’t want to be an asshole, or because I actually am trying to paint a perfect picture of how things are for me romantically.
I’m currently I’m FL, but am triggered enough to write in here again. I feel like I do like B. But also it’s like... are we meant to be? Idk.
Like honest answer, idk.
There’s just a disconnect. It’s like I go above and beyond and do all these things and “participate” in all these events. And it’s like. I feel as if not only am I an outsider but I’m just like... not relevant at all. And I will never be “into” car shit because he will never let me he into it. Period.
And the things I actually am into? Forget about it!
Between his resistance with my diet, ditching bc, being attracted to everything in sight and just the disrespect honestly.... sometimes I’m over it.
Can a vacation really fix things?
I just feel like I wanted to have fun here but it’s like I’m not here. And it’s as if I’m not allowed to enjoy the party. I WANT to enjoy the party with the person I’m dating, maybe we’re just too different.
This is changing my opinion on everything. Is marriage necessary? Is it even fun if you don’t have kids? Is there a point? Do I really wanna tie myself down at 29 for the rest of my life? Idk.
Ugh
Xo
