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10:46 p.m. - 2018-10-21
Floating
That part of Titanic where Rose is just floating on wood and half frozen is on, and... I can relate. I don't really know what is happening in my life.
I don't say that in a depressing way. I'm just floating as of right now.
It's been less than a week since I rage quit my job. As much as I feel like I was tricked and duped and had no help there, it hurts to just know that I didn't finish?
I don't feel bad for quitting I just feel bad for having nothing else. But I still have a lot of hope.
Anyways, Eric blocked me because he has a new gf. Will still hasn't unblocked me. And the felon well, after hanging out with him for like a full week and a half, is not gonna work out.
It does hurt to know that someone you've been talking to everyday for weeks just.... isn't there. It hurts. Even though I do not want him romantically in any way. I feel very empty, without him or my old job. Or Eric. I had these weeks ago and I don't now. It's a lot.
That being said, there is a sense of relief in not being responsible for anything anymore.
It sucks not having any more grandmas. I wonder what either of them would tell me to do in this situation. Maybe just... be confident? That's what I'm trying anyway.
I just feel like I'm 27, I need to get it together now. No more excuses.
I have like this overwhelming lonely feeling where I just wish I had someone to come home to. I have no urge to like date, or do anything with anyone I just wish I had some stability. Oh well.
Here's to being positive, hopefully next entry I will have "gotten it together" at least a little.
xo

3:34 p.m. - 2018-08-23
August.
I figured I'd start a new page. I guess there's some updates to my life that I can talk about.
SO. new job. it's okay. I get paid double what I was making before, and it's okay.
I kind of have a crush on someone, and it's awful. It's not going to go anywhere, ever.
I don't really like the girls I'm getting trained with. Like at all. I miss having friends at work. But hey, money?
I started talking to this felon. He's so ridiculously nice, and stuck in a christian rehab. He's possibly going to be in there forever, which means I don't care (as much as I should).
Somehow, like 10 days ago, I got Eric to start talking to me again.
Not sure if it will go anywhere. The fact that i'm not sure.... hurts?
But its like, what i expect? He seems to actually like me this time.
There's like this cloud hovering over me and I can feel it. I just feel like... what's the point of anything?
I feel like in everyone else's life they get to be happy. When do I get to ?
I understand that i don't "need" a spouse to live a mildly fulfilling life. But it's like..... i can't get anything ?
Ugh, whatever, i'm hormonal today.
xo

 

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