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11:29 a.m. - 2018-07-18
I am in the middle of work / end of my lunch break? And I just had to come update in here that.... I have a new trigger.
It's babies. kids. I don't wanna hear about it. I don't wanna think about it. All of my coworkers at this new job have babies and with me, there's just nothing to talk about.
And why should I? I have no one to have kids with. At all. In any way. It sucks.
I mean I don't WANT kids at least not right now. But it's like I haven't accomplished anything. I guess this job is an accomplishment. But.... yeah. Triggered.
It's just constantly on my mind when they talk about it at work for AN HOUR.
But it's whatever, i'm just the young one.

Okay bye back to work.

4:39 p.m. - 2018-06-09
This is not life. When will i be as i was?
I'm going to have to start writing in here so it doesnt just become a pool of rejection by my past exes.
So yeah, I should've left W right where he was and never talked to him again. I find myself completely betrayed and left alone in the worst situation possible. Maybe, one day years from now I won't remember any of this and how I got ditched and lost a free vacation at once.
Really though, I'm worried about myself. Emotionally I was not built to handle this. When it happened I was completely rational in my mind. My emotions are a different story...
I'm thinking about seeing someone about this. I've always been kind of against antidepressants but I mean if they can numb these emotions for a while...... I have no clue how to find a doctor or anything but it might happen.

Oh on to the positives: I got a new job that I haven't started yet. It's way more an hour than the bux. I haven't quit yet. I'm also still working at amazon. Don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'm talking to lots of boys that I don't care about. I don't think I'll really care about another person for awhile. I do feel as if I am paying for some past mistake that I made and this is my karma or something. I don't really know or care at this point, I am over everything.

10:41 a.m. - 2018-03-15
I'm not making a new page for this, because its already 3 months in and it's just similar stuff over and over again.
On the plus side, I have a new job. Amazon. I like it a lot better. School is going a lot better (I think).
I was dating someone for about a month, maybe less. I think its over. Let's just call him W. I honestly feel more out of touch with this whole situation than I did with Eric. I'm so confused and I honestly don't know if he was ever a normal, sane person. If he can actually date someone. Or if I really am overdramatic.
"Don't have sex with people who are going somewhere soon. Tbh... don't have sex, period." WHY DON'T I LISTEN TO MYSELF?
I'd love to say I'm never having sex again, but let's see how long I last. Truly, it's not a great feeling to know that you're used and the past month of your life meant nothing. It sucks.
How am I supposed to know if these guys are legit. Am I supposed to upfront ask "hey, are you just using me for sex?"
"Are you banging and/or trying to bang someone else right now?"
"Are you going to start being a passive aggressive maniac 4 weeks in?"
How am I supposed to know? Next time, I'm just not getting emotionally invested.
Don't have sex. Don't get emotionally invested. Don't care so much. Don't be so available.
I need to move out. We're supposedly moving back to a replica of our old house wiht my downstairs room. But I need my own place. Seems impossible now. I'm so old. I don't know how I'm gonna accomplish anything.
I wanna be depressed and pessimistic like old me, but there is a lot of good happening this year.
Like I really thought I was falling in love, or something. Ugh.
Eric was like a fucking missing puzzle piece. This whole situation's just weird.
I don't know what I should be doing but I guess I'm just gonna try to make myself feel better, and maybe meet someone else.

2:26 a.m. - 2017-06-16
6 mos in
So I actually came back here to delete that last entry from all painful memory, and read through it. I can't bring myself to.
It's like, yes everything went wrong, and ended more terribly than even possible. ignorance stuns me. There's something so nice about it. Like for two seconds I was in bliss, and had all this blind positivity. If anything, now I know. blind positivity is dangerous. if someone has more baggage than they do emotions for you, run.
Don't have sex with people who are GOING SOMEWHERE soon. Tbh... don't have sex, period.
I feel better writing this. There was a good 48 hours previously where I didn't know if the pain would ever go away.
I find myself insanely jealous of people who lost it to their hs boyfriends who stuck around for 8 months afterward.
At the same time... it only hurts because it meant something.
It was what I wanted most. I genuinely can say in the future, that I lost it to someone I "kind of" loved at the time. And it was super emotional, like I wanted.
I'm probably gonna be alone for awhile, which is fine. Even though i'm getting a lot of unwanted attention. And I haven't made up my mind about what I'm gonna do with a certain muscular grad student...
I feel like being alone would honestly help my sanity. So we'll see.
My future is just a giant question mark right now.

10:43 p.m. - 2017-05-19
First Post of 2017, 5 Mos In
Approximately the month after my last entry, I met a guy on tinder who blew everyone else away, went on two dates with him and never heard from him again.
Who knew that we'd reconnect and I'd be losing my virginity to him months later.
It's been about 24 hours.
I honestly don't know how to feel, but I'm pretty satisfied. There is literally no reason for me to be, but I am. The way I feel about him is so different to how I've felt about anyone else... like he actually likes me for me.
At the same time, he is the most baggage I've ever seen in a person, probably.
This could all go terribly wrong. Like, it could end badly. But its like I don't even care.
Now that I think about it, this is SO typical me. Fall for the unlovable, emotionless, mysterious guy who the future is uncertain with. But at the same time its like.... I don't care. I like him so much. He's everything. I'm gonna keep hanging out with him until I can't anymore.
But Raeder, what the hell am i gonna do about him. lordy lordy lordy. i have decisions to make.


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