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5:17 p.m. - 2022-03-10
lost.
I'm super uneasy writing this.
I've had these feelings along with ongoing acidy nausea for almost a week. Move to North Carolina went well. Thought I liked the first few weeks. Got my A and shes sweet. 2 cat life is cute.
Thought my mom would come visit, have no idea if she actually will or not.
For the past few weeks, I have not cared... because I've realized that I have a bigger issue.
The issue is a variety of things. And i'm still confused about how i feel about almost all of them. But the feelings are ongoing. Repeated thoughts and feelings. Like daily. So I can't just ignore them.
First off, I'm not sure I really like this area. It doesn't excite me and I wish i was in the area I like. But i'm not sure if it would matter because.... i'm basically spending sooo much time alone. I basically moved here, to be alone.I feel like i'm not the right type of person for this area.
Second. When B is actually here. It's not great? I mean, it's tolerable. And sometimes we have fun. He is so sweet to me. Cuddles are life. But... do i want this? Like, forever?
Typing that makes me cringe. I have been on the verge of puking for days.
I do kind of feel like a slave to the house, to the pets, to this existence. And i'm not sure why the feeling is so strong compared to before.
In the back of my mind, I'm over it, looking at other dating prospects, looking at living back home or somewhere else. It's almost 50% of my thoughts. and if i were to do this... how would i do this? how.
I feel like i'm 30, and .... should i just accept this ? is this what everyone does, knows something isn't totally perfect for them but.... just accepts it?
The spark isn't there with him anymore. He can tell and bullies me for it every few days. Not sure how much more of it I can take. I can't control my reactions and attractions.. and I just didn't realize until literally now. But it's been like this for a bit. Now i'm so far away. It's scary to think about getting out.
I miss the days of being the old me without shame. I'm still the same person. Its just I can't be myself.
I was going to make a section about Z ghosting me and I feel like that's such a small thing compared to these overwhelming feelings. But that did have an effect on me, and it really hurt. I feel like he can see through my bullshit. Under everything and he's judging me.
I mean 3 years I can't just throw away 3 years. The thought makes my stomach go insane. And I don't know, maybe it is just the area that I don't like... maybe .. I'm not sure. But it's something. I hope I can figure it out.
Xo

 

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