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12:40 p.m. - 2022-07-25
JULY
emergency journal entry because i'm exasperated and annoyed.
Month 7 in the hell that is North Carolina, and i'm over it. The house is still nice.The lack of friends is still crushing me.
But anyways let's talk about baby Z. I wanted to make an entry because I've had a mild revelation about what I thought what happening.
7 months without one of my closest friends for the last 5, 6 years?
Anyways, I wanted to re-examine our friendship rekindling in 2021. Was it legit. Was he serious. I was? Was he just trying to get laid.Why couldn't we communicate normally. Why didn't he just... tell me things."I'll take anyone" "You don't understand me" -- What does it mean.
What does it fucking mean, bro.
If you had just told me I could have made a decision and avoided everything that i'm dealing with. I miss you. Nobody else understands me. You know that. I thought you knew that.... I'm super confused and you blindsided the fuck out of me.
Imagine crying about losing you and then waking up to aggro thirst traps. Who are you.
Maybe we were never friends and i'm confused.
My memories are jumbled together. I was aiming at that part of my life where we were totally in sync and it was bliss. I don't understand. What were you aiming at? There's something deeper than I can only guess at that i need to uncover. If it was only about getting laid, fuck. I can't.
Not having friends is the absolute worst. I literally can't survive it. I need to figure something out or just be on the way back to va. I'm over it. Like if this shit hasn't gotten better by my bday, I'm done. Not sure how I can even be done but, mentally I"m there.

5:17 p.m. - 2022-03-10
lost.
I'm super uneasy writing this.
I've had these feelings along with ongoing acidy nausea for almost a week. Move to North Carolina went well. Thought I liked the first few weeks. Got my A and shes sweet. 2 cat life is cute.
Thought my mom would come visit, have no idea if she actually will or not.
For the past few weeks, I have not cared... because I've realized that I have a bigger issue.
The issue is a variety of things. And i'm still confused about how i feel about almost all of them. But the feelings are ongoing. Repeated thoughts and feelings. Like daily. So I can't just ignore them.
First off, I'm not sure I really like this area. It doesn't excite me and I wish i was in the area I like. But i'm not sure if it would matter because.... i'm basically spending sooo much time alone. I basically moved here, to be alone.I feel like i'm not the right type of person for this area.
Second. When B is actually here. It's not great? I mean, it's tolerable. And sometimes we have fun. He is so sweet to me. Cuddles are life. But... do i want this? Like, forever?
Typing that makes me cringe. I have been on the verge of puking for days.
I do kind of feel like a slave to the house, to the pets, to this existence. And i'm not sure why the feeling is so strong compared to before.
In the back of my mind, I'm over it, looking at other dating prospects, looking at living back home or somewhere else. It's almost 50% of my thoughts. and if i were to do this... how would i do this? how.
I feel like i'm 30, and .... should i just accept this ? is this what everyone does, knows something isn't totally perfect for them but.... just accepts it?
The spark isn't there with him anymore. He can tell and bullies me for it every few days. Not sure how much more of it I can take. I can't control my reactions and attractions.. and I just didn't realize until literally now. But it's been like this for a bit. Now i'm so far away. It's scary to think about getting out.
I miss the days of being the old me without shame. I'm still the same person. Its just I can't be myself.
I was going to make a section about Z ghosting me and I feel like that's such a small thing compared to these overwhelming feelings. But that did have an effect on me, and it really hurt. I feel like he can see through my bullshit. Under everything and he's judging me.
I mean 3 years I can't just throw away 3 years. The thought makes my stomach go insane. And I don't know, maybe it is just the area that I don't like... maybe .. I'm not sure. But it's something. I hope I can figure it out.
Xo

 

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