12:16 p.m. - 2018-12-20
This year was interesting?
I just spent 30 mins writing an entry about how it feels weird now that i'm dating B after everything that happened. But screw that, it's the past. Onward.
He is sweet and treats me super nice. He always comes up with new ideas, and seems to really care a lot this time around. It's the one good thing happening to me right now.
Anyways, I have no money and 2 job "offers". I'm going to need to start the part time job asap so I can have money to even last myself through training for this other job. I cannot stand not having any money. It drives me crazy.
He says he'll take care of me and I believe him. But this is all making me realize that I do not like the idea of a man that I'm not married to taking responsibility for me. I don't.
Like even if we move in, get married and all that. I like having my own money. It's draining to see friends and family accomplishing things and getting paid, while I'm not.
At the same time, it does feel like I'm going after things that I have been trying to do for awhile. It's nice to have support. He is very supportive.
It feels strange writing in here for the first time. Not sure what that feeling is. Maybe it's because I come here sometimes thinking im depressed or that i've hit rock bottom and then I read other entries and it's like, no, no you have not. I'm so dramatic.
Here's to hoping I have some kind of money coming in soon.
xo
10:46 p.m. - 2018-10-21
Floating
That part of Titanic where Rose is just floating on wood and half frozen is on, and... I can relate. I don't really know what is happening in my life.
I don't say that in a depressing way. I'm just floating as of right now.
It's been less than a week since I rage quit my job. As much as I feel like I was tricked and duped and had no help there, it hurts to just know that I didn't finish?
I don't feel bad for quitting I just feel bad for having nothing else. But I still have a lot of hope.
Anyways, Eric blocked me because he has a new gf. Will still hasn't unblocked me. And the felon well, after hanging out with him for like a full week and a half, is not gonna work out.
It does hurt to know that someone you've been talking to everyday for weeks just.... isn't there. It hurts. Even though I do not want him romantically in any way. I feel very empty, without him or my old job. Or Eric. I had these weeks ago and I don't now. It's a lot.
That being said, there is a sense of relief in not being responsible for anything anymore.
It sucks not having any more grandmas. I wonder what either of them would tell me to do in this situation. Maybe just... be confident? That's what I'm trying anyway.
I just feel like I'm 27, I need to get it together now. No more excuses.
I have like this overwhelming lonely feeling where I just wish I had someone to come home to. I have no urge to like date, or do anything with anyone I just wish I had some stability. Oh well.
Here's to being positive, hopefully next entry I will have "gotten it together" at least a little.
xo
3:34 p.m. - 2018-08-23
August.
I figured I'd start a new page. I guess there's some updates to my life that I can talk about.
SO. new job. it's okay. I get paid double what I was making before, and it's okay.
I kind of have a crush on someone, and it's awful. It's not going to go anywhere, ever.
I don't really like the girls I'm getting trained with. Like at all. I miss having friends at work. But hey, money?
I started talking to this felon. He's so ridiculously nice, and stuck in a christian rehab. He's possibly going to be in there forever, which means I don't care (as much as I should).
Somehow, like 10 days ago, I got Eric to start talking to me again.
Not sure if it will go anywhere. The fact that i'm not sure.... hurts?
But its like, what i expect? He seems to actually like me this time.
There's like this cloud hovering over me and I can feel it. I just feel like... what's the point of anything?
I feel like in everyone else's life they get to be happy. When do I get to ?
I understand that i don't "need" a spouse to live a mildly fulfilling life. But it's like..... i can't get anything ?
Ugh, whatever, i'm hormonal today.
xo
