11:09 p.m. - 2011-12-20
I'm Way Too Old For This, But I Believe In Love <3
mmk, idk what the fuck im doing here today. like, here and here in the earth.
in life... everything is pretty much fine, compared to last entries and stuff.
had to ditch some people, you can guess who. but without them, life has been GENUINELY better. i got decent grades on my finals and in my classes.
have a lovely 3.46. i did good.
but now that schools out. i dont have shit to do.
NOT. SHIT. and there is one thing that i cant stop thinking about.
sex.
and sex.
and sex again.
i feel like this whole break is wasted and i need to be fucking my brains out like a normal 20 year old instead of doing random shit and sleeping til 1 like a lazy fuck.
gahhhh like its getting to me though. schools been out for four days, christmas is in five days. yet all i can think about is SEX.
and like not even just quickie random sex i have this whole thing planned out where some guy just saves me, and i lose my virginity to him. god why did i type that.
but whatever, hopefully ill survive.
or find someone to fuck. what does this even sound like, do i sound crazy?
i just want some guys dick ok ughhhhh
alright, im done, this is too much for one day. wishing myself luck w the seckz.
12:15 a.m. - 2011-11-26
Be mindful of your accomplishments.. not just your failures
Just a personal note: the last entry was absolutely beautiful. never forget it. <3
And this is just a positive entry...things are a little better...
but certain things just arent meant to be, and i should understand that. i do understand that.
i mean ive accomplished a good amount the past year...
i had a crush on a "hot" guy in my class... managed to get him to actually date me, for months..
i got a crush that id had in 9th grade to finally go after me... even if it was headed for death.
is this just the year of gotten crushes? maybe it is. but i mean, getting out of this depression i have to realize, there has been some good in this. it wasn't all pain.
im getting there, to that place where everythings fine. if i keep this attitude... ill be okay again.
9:28 p.m. - 2011-10-23
ill stay alive for you, Freds.
i guess i was right about the pain.
it hurts. i can barely breathe.
and i thought id gotten to the point where i was fine or content, and for awhile i was...
but then it just hits me with this life shattering pain that he doesnt want me anymore and that... like... i did nothing and still have to deal with this pain.
i hate the fact that one person can make you feel this lifeless... this hurt.
and its just like... other girls, they make guys go crazy, im the girl, the guys supposed to be lying awake at night thinking about me and how he wants me.
Not leaving me alone forever, not hurting me, not being the reason i want to stab myself to make the emotional pain go away, because its just... its too much and i cant fucking handle it. i dont want to fucking do this.
i dont deserve this.
but i feel like hes the type of guy i need to just leave alone, hes fucked up too and i dont need someone like that.
but at the same time.... im hurt.
i guess i just have to get over it. move on. forget him. and then in a few months, or awhile... ill have my own revenge....ill be okay.
ill breathe and say "things are so much better now, than they were when i was heartbroken, because i have this and this and that... and im content. im not falling to pieces."
that day WILL come, and im telling myself this now.
IT WILL COME. so please stay alive to see it.
you will be able to breathe again.
2:54 a.m. - 2011-10-11
This... is what pain feels like
intuition is really something, isnt it.
i dont know whether to be painfully hearbroken and pissed right now, or just wallow in my own sorrow and fall back into a deep depression.
kind of just feeling nothing, since being sad hurts and being angry eventually hurts..
just because someone likes you enough to kiss you... it doesnt mean anything. in fact, it should be taken as an insult... especially when you love the person... and all they want to do is kiss you.
or fuck you.
or just screw around.
sometimes i feel like guys are just wired different. like they dont fucking understand anything.
are they all heartless? am i the only one that feels anything at all ?
ive never put so much anticipation into a guy and been so let down.. maybe with z but i have a feeling that hurt less..
wasnt as life shattering... as this.
so the big question, what do i do now.
am i supposed to just fucking say ok ? you dont want me, alright ? im ok with that and will continue to do whatever you want me to?
fuck no.
but im not falling back into any sadness. i do need to get my life together.
he let me suffer for a whole day. a fucking day.
technically three fucking months.... where i thought... we had something.
i have a feeling this is going to hurt for awhile. and thats not ok, seeing as i cant just burst into tears at random places. so im trying to get all the crying out now...
fuck boys and what they do to me. just fuck them, right now. fuck.
2:24 a.m. - 2011-09-12
The Best Night of Being 20 (sofar)
hahhaa im drunkenly
thought id write in here cause things are... interesting
its 2:25 am and i have to wake up in approximately 4 hours, prob less.
i love ty and he loves me or at least likes me enough to kiss me, and that makes me happeeey.
even if i never want him again and he pissed me off,
he liked me today, and got jealous when nd hugged me....
ill remember that forever.
i dont care about anything and honestly couldve stayed out til 4 with the way my life was going
where the hell was this on my bday night ?!!
